


Shameless

by unabashedcandymaker



Series: Shameless [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Aftercare, Dom/sub, F/M, Forced Orgasm, Oral Sex, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Orgasm Torture, Possibly Unrequited Love, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 13:39:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 44,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13812315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unabashedcandymaker/pseuds/unabashedcandymaker
Summary: This chapter depicts a dom/sub relationship.  Sub!Bucky x Dom!Reader, but it will switch up as the story progresses.  This is loosely based off the song Shameless by The Weeknd.  It’s definitely angsty as in this one, Bucky has serious self-worth issues and Reader is there for Bucky even if her selflessness is bordering on the line of torturing herself to take care of him, to be there for him and to do whatever he needs of her.  So Reader has some self-worth issues of her own, but she does it all for the sake of the one she loves.





	1. Chapter 01

You shouldn’t be surprised that you kept finding yourself here. You knew every time he called, you’d come running. It was never a question. It made you feel just a little smug that even though Bucky couldn’t commit to anyone else, he still needed you. 

Sure, it may just be for sex, but it was sex he didn’t trust to have with anyone else. He trusted you more than anyone else. He needed you to fulfill these parts of him, these desires, that nobody else could fulfill, but you.

So here you stood, in the middle of his living room, wearing nothing but heels and matching panties. Bucky was kneeling a few feet in front of you, on his knees, staring at the floor. He was waiting for instructions.

“Who’s gonna love you like me, baby boy?” you asked in a strong, steady, confident voice that you saved especially for these occasions.

He didn’t answer, save for a slight shake of his head.

You walked towards him, the clicking of your heels muffled by the carpeted floor. When you were standing in front of him, the hair on the top of his head grazing against your lower belly, you ran your fingers through the soft locks. Your fingers fell to his face and ran gently over his face before pulling back and landing a sharp smack against his cheek. His head moved minutely before you cupped his chin and jerked his face up until his eyes met yours.

“Who else is gonna touch you like me?”

He tried to shake his head again, but your grip wouldn’t allow it.

“Say it,” you growled.

“Nobody,” he whispered as his stony blue eyes continued to stare earnestly into yours.

“Say it louder,” you commanded, raising your voice.

“Nobody, miss,” he said just as you instructed.

“Have you been a good boy?” you mused as you let go of his chin and his head dropped back down into its original submissive pose. If you weren’t watching closely, you’d have missed the slight nod of his head.

You didn’t much care for this, being his dominant, but you were committed to being anything and everything Bucky would ever need. He was your best friend. Well, in all actuality, he was much more than that to you, but you’d never admit it aloud. You knew he didn’t handle intimacy and emotions well, choosing instead to cut out that entire part of his existence. So, you’d play along with whatever games he needed.

You swallowed your hurt, pushing it deep, deep down, not to let it resurface again until you were alone in your bed later that night. You wouldn’t allow him to see that side of you. It’s not what he needed today. Maybe, one day when he needs you to be the submissive one, when he has the urge to care for someone, you might have let your weakness show, but today was not that day.

Right now, he needs you to hurt him. You are the only one that can do this for him.

When Bucky gets into a mood like this, when he gets low and self-deprecating like he is tonight, he needs you to control him. When he called you earlier that evening, his voice timid and shaking, begging you to come over, you knew what he was really asking of you. It wasn’t your kink, but you’d do anything for him. Because he was your kink. He was your everything.

You loved him. But you’d never tell him that either.

His eyes were sad; hurt, when he looked up at you again. He was desperate to feel something other than the agonizing pang of guilt that seared like daggers in his chest. When his nightmares get bad, when he remembers all the people that his hands have killed, when he remember all the innocent lives made worse all from his doings, that’s when he wants, no, needs you like this.

You walk back across the room, aware of his gaze still on you. You approach a large, plush sitting chair that he has against the far wall. Just as you are getting close, you stop and slowly push your panties down your legs and step out of them, leaving the lacy undergarment pooled on the floor. You take your seat on the edge of the cushion, letting your ass hang half-way off of it.

“Come here,” you instruct him as you crook your finger invitingly towards yourself. He crawls on his hands and knees the few feet until he is kneeling in front of you. “Kiss me…here.” You point to the patch of soft curls between your thighs.

It takes only a second before his lips are on the inside of your thigh. He’s leaving a trail of open mouth kisses up along the sensitive skin before he switches to the other side. He has left his hands by his side as he knows he is supposed to since you have not instructed him to touch you yet.

The boys mouth was pure sin as it skimmed along your flesh.

“Higher,” you moaned, letting your hands fall to his hair, directing him exactly where you wanted him to go. He growled into your curls as his nose dove between your folds and his tongue dipped into your entrance.

He never stopped for a second, not even to get a decent breath, as he continued. He teased around your clit, making you keen and thrust your hips up into his face.

It wasn’t the first time he had proven to you how gifted he was with his mouth. On more than just a few occasions, he’d had you coming by using nothing but his tongue. This was looking to be one of those occasions as you felt yourself start climbing higher and higher. You would swear it was better than actual intercourse, but you’ve felt what it was like to come with his cock inside you.

Your body was coming alive, ‘opening like a flower’ is what Bucky usually like to say when he topped. It took you a few minutes to notice his hips rutting gently into the air, finding nothing to grind against that could relieve the tension between his legs. It was a soft, gentle movement; you doubted he was even aware it was happening. 

“Do you want to touch?” you asked, keeping up your commanding tone. He nodded eagerly, but never let his mouth stray from your dripping folds. “Is that big, throbbing cock just aching to be touched?”

He moaned his answer into your pussy, your eyes rolling back slightly at the vibrations sent jolting through your core. His eyes locked with yours as he flattened his tongue and swiped it up between your folds, holding pressure on your clit. You moaned yet again as you took two fistfuls of his hair and pulled him back away from you. The way he whimpered when he lost contact with you sent a deep ache into your gut, begging for release.

“On your feet,” you said with what you hoped was your domme tone, but was far too shaky to be truly convincing. Regardless, he stood quickly and clenched his fists by his sides. It would never cease to amaze you the amount of control he possessed to be able to deny himself the pleasure of touching himself before you instructed him to do so.

“Take them off,” you continued, finding your voice again, and gestured towards the only article of clothing that he was still wearing.

He was slow; his hands coming up to his hips before sliding his fingers down and underneath the elastic waistband of his underwear. His thumb hooked over the top and your mouth watered as you watched him bend gracefully, fluidly, flawlessly, pushing the material down his thick, toned thighs and let them fall to he ground.

His cock was fully hard, bobbing heavily in front of him. It was a deep red and looked like it was dripping with pre-cum already. You let your fingers drum over the arms of your chair, fighting to keep yourself from reaching out and touching him.

“Touch yourself,” you commanded. “Slowly.”

He didn’t disappoint you. He licked the palm of his hand, even spit in it before he wrapped those long, slender fingers around his thickness. His touch was delicate, you could tell even from here. You watched as he twisted his grip over his cock as he slid down to the base before bringing it up over the head. His thumb swiped over the slit, bringing a couple beads of pre-cum swirling around the tip before letting his fist slide back down again. 

“Faster.”

He whimpered slightly, but didn’t falter as his hand continued its thrusting, speeding his pace marginally. You could tell he was approaching his climax at a dangerously fast pace. You knew this usually happened when you started the night with oral. You knew it was turn him on the most, having confessed to finding copious amounts of pleasure with his face between a woman’s thighs.

It was impossible to fight the urge to touch yourself, so you didn’t. The moment your fingers brushed against your clit, you let the moan fall uninhibited from your lips. Your other hand found your breast and tweaked the nipple tight before rolling it between your thumb and forefinger. The hand on your clit pressed two fingers against the bundle of nerves before starting slow circles.

“Please, miss,” Bucky begged as his eyes bore into yours. His pupils were so blown that you could only make out the smallest silver-blue ring surrounding the pool of blackness.

“Mmm, please what, baby boy?” you mewled as you let your fingers slip down and slide two inside of you nearly to the knuckle.

“Please, let me taste you again,” he asked as his gaze drifted to where your fingers were slowly pumping in and out of you. “Let me make you come…”

“On your knees,” you mewled as you let your fingers fall out of your cunt and held them out expectantly towards him.

He fell to his knees roughly, his mouth devouring your fingers, slurping your juices from them. His hand fell from his cock and you pulled your hand from his mouth quickly.

“I never said you could stop touching yourself,” you said as you gestured towards his swollen cockhead. You watched his lip quiver as he reluctantly started stroking his cock again. “Eat me, baby boy. Kiss me like this is the last time you’ll get to lick this pussy.”

Like a man possessed, his mouth was on you, nose and tongue diving into your soft curls and found that spot that had you keening into him again. One hand found his hair and pulled while the other stayed on your breast, pinching sharply at the bud, making you cry out.

You came with a sharp cry, pulling his hair in your fist so tight that you were sure you were going to pull it straight from his scalp.

“Stop,” you huffed, trying to catch your breath.

He never hesitated, falling back into his seated position, hands on his thighs, and head ducked down staring at the floor. You stood and straightened yourself the best that you could on shaky legs. You kicked off the heels and walked over to his side.

“Sit in the chair.”

He rose smoothly, more graceful than any man of his stature should be able to. He took his seat as you strode to the armoire across the room that was usually locked. Now, however, it was open and its contents were on full display.

There were drawers upon drawers full of different toys and gear that he used only with you. Hanging from the top were paddles and whips that weren’t used too often. Sure, when Bucky was the sub, he craved the pain, but there wasn’t much you could do physically to inflict the kind of feeling he needed. 

But it didn’t matter. That wasn’t the kind of pain he needed. He’d experienced that enough before. No, instead, Bucky’s preference of submission lingered along the lines of orgasm denial and orgasm torture.

Your usual method was to bring him to the edge over and over again, bring him right to the cusp, only to deny him repeatedly until he was a blubbering mess. He always responded so well which made it all the more effective. 

His favorite, however, was the orgasm torture; when you would force orgasm after orgasm on him despite his sensitivity. It was definitely the most intense form of punishment for the super soldier as the serum surging through his veins meant nearly no recovery time between climaxes. You could make him cum over and over and over again, only having to stop when you had exhausted yourself.

Tonight didn’t seem like one of those nights. He seemed pretty mild compared to when you usually dominate him, but that didn’t mean you were going to let him off too easy. You’d formed a game plan in your head, settling on keeping it on the simpler side tonight. So you grabbed a simple, adjustable silicon cock ring and some cuffs to restrain his hands and feet.

He watched you carefully as you knelt in front of him, slowly taking one ankle and guiding it closer to the foot of the chair before cuffing it into place. When you moved to the other, he had already widened his stance, making it easier to cuff the other. You walked around to the back and did the same to his wrists. When you were satisfied he wasn’t going to be able to slip his restraints easily, you came back around and stood between his knees.

You showed him the cock ring and smiled wickedly when his breath caught in his chest. You knelt and slowly swiped your tongue along his shaft, teasing him before placing the ring in place. When you were had it wrapped around his base and the balls, you tightened the band until it was snug. He showed no signs of discomfort so you let go and crawled into his lap.

With your knees on either side of his hips, you reached between your bodies and fisted his cock, guiding him towards your entrance. Without anything in the way of warning, you slammed down until your ass was flush against his thighs, his cock buried tight inside of you.

This was your favorite positon. It allowed you the disillusion of intimacy as your bodies were pressed snugly against one another. You knew it was one of his too, but for different reasons. He’d tell you it was because it kept him eye-level with your bouncing breasts. He’d tell you it was because it afforded him the perfect position to watch your bodies connect the way that made you scream his name. He’d tell you it was because you looked like a goddess riding him like this, in completely control, leaving him at your mercy.

“Fuck!” he cursed through gritted teeth, squeezing his eyes shut as you continued to slam down in his lap. Your nails raked over his shoulders, the top of his back, before finding home in his hair once more.

“You wanna come, baby boy?” you asked in heaving breath.

“Yes, p-please…” he gasped as he threw his head back and screwed up his face in concentration. You imagined it was taking everything he had in him not to let go right this second. His entire body was tensed underneath you, even the chair creaked as he was straining against the cuffs.

“You can come…” you whispered in his ear and felt him relax for a second before you continued, “…but I’m not gonna stop riding this fat cock until I’ve come again.”

He cursed in what you assumed was Romanian as he clenched every muscle in his body. You felt him lock up beneath you as he continued to fight against his release, but it was too late. 

This is what he loved, you knew it. 

He was fighting against the urge to let go. His body knew that it was so close to unencumbered bliss, but his mind knew that it came at a nearly unbearable price.

“Come on, baby boy. You can do it,” you whispered in his ear before taking the lobe between your teeth and tugging. Your arms were wrapped around his neck and one hand came up to tangle in his sweat-dampened locks. His head was falling forward to your shoulder as he continued to struggle for control, but you pulled his head back again. Your mouth was now on his neck, nipping and sucking and lavishing his skin with your tongue.

“Come in me, James. I need to feel that big, fat cock spilling all that cum inside of me. God, the way you stretch my pretty little pussy, I can’t help but clench,” your walls tightened around his straining girth for dramatic effect, “as you hit that same little spot inside me, it drives me crazy. C’mon, I know you want it baby, I know you wanna come in me so hard and deep that it’ll be dripping out of me for hours after you pull out.”

“O Doamne (oh my god)… rahat (shit)…fucking damn it, fucking God…p-please…” his curses were intermixing between English and Romanian now and you knew he was seconds away from losing it. You quickened your pace as your intermingled sweat made your bodies stick to one another.

With a growl and a cry, he was coming hard inside you. You could feel the way his cock twitched as he pulsed against your fluttering walls. You slowed your pace until you were taking long, slow strides above him. The mixtures of your juices were starting to leak out of you and pool in the chair. 

You let him relax a little before you started your punishing rhythm again, barely hearing his little whimpers as your own pulse thundered in your ears. Your head fell to his shoulder and his breath was hot in your ear as it shuttered in and out.

It took only a dozen more sloppy thrusts before you were coming again. When your walls clamped tight over him, his whimpers turned to curses before you were sliding to the floor on your knees in front of him. Your hands were fisted around his shaft as you worked him quickly into another release.

His brow was furrowed and his eyes bore into yours, his perfect mouth falling opoen as he came again, his seed spurting up and spilling all over his taut belly.

When his breathing started to return to normal, you carefully loosened the cock ring and unbuckled the cuffs from his wrists and ankles. 

First, you massaged the pink skin on each limb where the cuffs restrained him before you worked your way slowly up his legs. Your hands found his and you eased him up until he was standing. His body sagged against yours as you led him to the bathroom and urged him into the shower.

When the water was as hot as you were going to be able to stand it, you eased him under the spray. Lathering your hands with his soap, your eased them into his scalp, massaging it the way you knew he liked. Once you were satisfied, you eased his head back under the water again, helping rinse all the suds from his shaggy hair. Little by little, you felt him relaxing under your soft touches. 

Next, you were grabbing the shower pouf you kept there and poured a generous amount of his body wash into the mesh and started to rub it in circles over his chest. You worked over his shoulders, down his arms, his belly, his hips, and then his legs. He let you turn him around to rinse his front as you started the same, easy, methodical motions over his back.

When you finished with him, you did a quick rinse of your own and turned off the water. You reached for a towel and began patting Bucky dry as he just stood there with a lazy, satisfied grin on his face. You smiled back as you brought the towel up to squeeze as much of the moisture from his hair as you could.

Once in the bedroom again, you helped him pick out an outfit to wear to bed. You strode over to him, clothes in hand, as he lay back on the mattress, making grabby hands at you to come closer. Once you’d placed the clothes neatly at the foot, you climbed over him and sat on his lap like he was gesturing you to.

His hands were on your shoulders and he pulled you down so your body was pressed against his. He kissed you softly, tenderly. His hands slowly slid down to your hips, helping you grind over his growing erection.

Without another word, he pulled up your hips and angled you just right until you were able to slide down his length once again. This time, it was slow, soft, and tender. You were able to relish in the way he was filling you up, the way you stretched to accommodate him. His hips came up to meet yours in lazy thrusts.

It was almost embarrassing how quickly you were to another orgasm, but you didn’t have it in you to care as he slid one hand off your waist and between your bodies. His thumb had barely touched your clit when you clenched around him once more. 

Your cries were quiet, barely able to make a sound as you came for the third time that night. Bucky worked you through it, this time with gentle touches and sweet kisses. He wasn’t far behind you as he snapped his hips up maybe two, three more times before stilling, releasing in you once again.

You rolled off of him and to your back. He stayed close, curling his big body around yours and rested his head on your heaving chest. He liked to count your heart beats as they slowed back to normal.

You shared only another couple minutes of easy silence before he spoke.

“Everyone treats me like I’m damaged.” His voice was so soft, you almost missed it. “I mean, I am…I know I am, but you treat me like I’m not. Most of the time, I try to do better, to be better, but it never seems to be enough. I still feel broken.”

He shifted back off of you so he could look at you. You scooted down so you were eye level with him and turned to your side, mimicking his posture, hoping to keep him at ease and relaxed and talking.

“I don’t know that I can be fixed. It feels like the extent of the damage is beyond repair. But the only time I have ever felt close to being whole again, to being the same guy I was before I left for the war, before HYDRA turned me into a monster, is when I’m with you. You make me feel like maybe I could have that normal life again.”

Your heart was thundering in your chest so hard that you were surprised he couldn’t hear it. He fell silent for a few minutes more and you couldn’t bring yourself to break the quiet. It was easy; comforting. He had closed his eyes and let his beautiful face fall into a relaxed, sad smile. You’d almost thought he had fallen asleep until he started talking again.

“I know you love me. I can feel it every time you’re with me. I can feel it with the way you are with me. I just…I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to return those same affections like you deserve. I don’t know that I’m capable of loving you the same way you love me, no matter how badly I want to. I don’t think it’s a part of who I am anymore.”

You brushed a stray tear from his cheek before cupping his face. You let your thumb swipe a couple more that escaped before he opened his eyes again to look at you.

“I’ll always be there for you, Buck. Every time you call, any time you need me, whatever you need from me, I’m always going to be there. I have no shame in doing that for you.”

Only for you, Buck, you thought to yourself. Even if it kills me.

You leave later that night while Bucky sleeps. It’s what you always do. It’s what you know he needs. He doesn’t ever do the whole night, the sleeping over, breakfast in bed type stuff. He barely lets himself relax enough to fall asleep in your arms.

So, after his breathing has steadied, after his lips fall into that adorable pout that you love oh so much when he’s asleep, you slip from his arms and out of the bed. You place a soft kiss to his forehead and tuck a stray piece of hair behind his ear before pulling on your clothes and walking out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one goes a bit more in-depth to Bucky and Readers arrangement and their relationship. There is still some nice smut in here although it isn’t as detailed and graphic as the last chapter, but I also feel like this one really plays up the angst more.
> 
> Warnings: All I can really say is that the reader is really starting to feel pretty dark about this whole set up with Bucky. There’s cheating, so if that’s a trigger for you, please read with caution. And slight voyeurism.

It’s been nearly two months since you left Bucky’s apartment. It wasn’t uncommon for him to try to keep his distance after a night like that. He would deny anything was wrong, that anything was different, but you knew that he would be too raw, too vulnerable, after your evenings spent like that. He hated to let anyone see that side of him, even you.

You did everything in you to not take it personally. You’d learned years ago that it’s just how he is. It wasn’t as if you could put yourself in his position; there wasn’t anyone on this Earth that knew what it felt like inside Bucky’s mind. Instead, you convinced yourself that you’d be able to afford him anything that he needed. He was your best friend, after all.

There were a handful of times that you’d pass by him at the tower as you’d come by to drop off reports to Maria or Tony. All he could spare you was a small nod or a shy smile, never stopping to give you anything more than that. It made your chest tighten up, nearly stealing the very breath from your lungs, but you’d do your best to shrug and carry on as though you hadn’t seen him at all.

You cursed yourself for not being tougher, for not being stronger. You couldn’t believe you had let your emotions make you so…weak. He was your friend; only your friend as he has been for so many years. You knew the score after the first time he’d slept with you, making it clear that nothing about your relationship had changed. 

That first time, you cried for hours after he slipped out. You had thought that maybe this was all of your dreams finally coming true, that he had finally noticed all the stolen, longing glances, and that he shared your affections. He took you to his bed as you watched him do to plenty of women before you, but they didn’t share a connection with him like you did. They weren’t on the receiving end of all his late night phone calls after he’d awoken from a nightmare. He didn’t comfort them after another man had broken their heart or numerous failed dates. What the two of you were about to share, you believed at the time, was something more.

But it wasn’t, not really.

So you learned to be just what he needed, whenever he needed. Something was better than nothing, right? You learned to take comfort in the fact that he was in your life at all, even if it wasn’t in the way you wanted.

You even learned to bite back the bile that rose in your throat every time Bucky would show up with another beautiful woman on his arm. It was a different girl every time, each one just as stunning and captivating as the last. It seemed to be his way of convincing everyone else that he was fine. Steve would tease that it was just like the old days, back in the 40’s when he was a true ladies’ man. Bucky would smirk and clap a hand on Steve’s shoulder, never saying a word.

You would always force a smile and pleasantries, keeping yourself from getting jealous over a man that wasn’t yours by reminding yourself these women never lasted long. Just as soon as the girl would start to show the first sign of serious feelings, he would do something to fuck it up. He would find a way to drive the poor girl away one way or another. Bucky was the best at self-sabotage. 

Secretly, you imagined it was his way of letting everyone else see the monster that he felt like he was on the inside. You tried to talk to him about it on several different occasions, doing your best talk about it, but it only ever ended with him on top of you, hushing your words with his tongue as it slipped between your lips. He would distract you with the press of his body against yours, his sweaty skin sticking to yours as he thrust into your wetness over and over, until you both were breathless.

 

So here you sat at the bar of another one of Starks’ extravagant parties, all dressed up, shooting back shots of tequila with Natasha, Wanda, and Clint. Sam and Steve were off to the side, immersed in their own conversation while watching the four of you, amused, as you ordered another round. You were 4 shots deep when you saw Bucky approaching with a beautiful, leggy brunette you’d never met before.

As per his standards with all his other hook-ups, she was gorgeous. Her long brown hair hung in loose waves over her bare shoulders; her gown hugged her slender, fit frame with a stylish elegance that drew everyone’s gaze to her. To top it off, you noticed the pair of killer stilettos that she was maneuvering across the room in gracefully that probably cost more than 3 months’ of your rent. Her smile was wide as she beamed adoringly up at Bucky.

And then there was Bucky. The sight of him with his long hair tucked back into a low knot at the base of his neck, his suit that was tailor fit to showcase his broad chest, slender waist, and muscular thighs, it had your mouth watering. Wanda followed your gaze when you hesitated bringing your shot glass up to your lips. You could nearly feel the wave of understanding and pity wash over her as she looked back to you.

 

“You should tell him,” she whispered knowingly in your ear.

“He knows. It didn’t change anything,” you answered, knowing better than to keep anything from the Scarlet Witch. You weren’t afraid of her telling anyone else. She has always been a faithful, loyal friend. 

She was the only one who knew about your arrangement with Bucky. It wasn’t her fault really. She had caught you at one a low point after leaving Bucky, and everything just came pouring out of you, no mystical mind-reading powers needed. Her hand found your shoulder and she stroked her thumb, doing her best to comfort you without drawing attention.

“It’s not healthy, what you’re doing,” she whispered again, but not in a way that made you feel like she judged you one way or the other. She only sounded like the sweet, caring friend that was looking out for what was best for you.

“Whatever he needs, Wanda. I have no shame,” you said, repeating the same mantra that you’d repeat to yourself over and over again to make it easier to cope with this requited love.

You sighed and threw back two shots, one right after the other, signaling the end of the conversation. You were able to spare her a smile that didn’t quite reach the rest of your face before walking off in search of fresh air. 

That’s how you found yourself out on the balcony, shivering slightly in the cool night air. It was unclear how much time had passed since you stepped out the double doors into the open night; your buzz effectively kicking in. You gulped down several deep breaths, fighting against the light-headedness that was trying to make the room spin.

“You look beautiful tonight, sweetheart,” a dark, husky voice came from behind you, one that you’d always recognize.

“Bucky, Jesus, I didn’t even hear you come out,” you cursed as your hand flew to your chest, trying to calm yourself after he thoroughly startled you. You’d come out here to escape his presence. You didn’t imagine he’d notice you’d slipped out, no less actually look for you.

“Super Soldier Assassin, remember?” he chuckled, but it didn’t sound genuine.

“You didn’t abandon your date so early in the night, have you?” you asked as you turned your back to him again, placing both hands on the banister and looked out at the beautiful New York skyline once more.

“Eh, she’s a big girl. She will have no trouble fending for herself for a little bit,” he said surely as he sidled up next to you.

“She’s very beautiful,” you said with a sigh, hoping you sounded as impassive as you were aiming for.

“Yeah, she is…” he trailed off as he stepped closer to you. “…but she still doesn’t compare to you…”

His hand was on your waist as he spun you around to face him. The blacks of his eyes were consuming you, burning you, melting you into a puddle at his feet. This was the look of a man that was going to bring your entire world crumbling down around you.

The breath was stolen from your lungs as he pulled you into him. His lips captured yours roughly and your hands immediately found his shoulders, pulling his impossibly closer. Before you were able to take in another breath, he had you pushed up against a wall, hands pulling your dress up and bunching it around your waist. One of his hands hooked behind your knee and pulled it roughly up around to rest at his waist.

When his fingers brushed between your legs and against your bare core, he growled into your mouth.

“No panties under a dress like this…” he purred between kisses, “…such a bad, bad girl. Anyone could have noticed there was nothing covering you with the way this satin is hugging your delectable body oh-so-tight.”

You were breathless, your chest heaving as his lips skimmed along the column of your throat. His stubble tickled the tender skin and you shivered in his hold. He only gripped you tighter before his fingers started to explore the dampening folds between your thighs.

“I bet this was what you were wanting when you were getting ready. I bet you were hoping, no, begging for someone to discover your dirty little secret. I bet you even prayed that someone would bend you over and pound into that tight little pussy until you were screaming…”

So this was going to be one of those nights. His possessive demeanor, his teasing nature, the way his hands were bruising your hips, the filthy words he grunted into your skin. This was going to be a night that he needed to be in control. He needed to dominate.

In the back of your mind, you were already planning your escape. You’d find a friend, whisper an excuse and sneak off to Bucky’s apartment. There, you’d wait for him until he found a way to excuse himself from the party and find a way to ditch his date.

Your pussy clenched as more wetness started to pool at your core. His thumb came up to swirl over your clit as the rest of his hand pressed into your lower belly, keeping you from squirming too much. You could feel him fumbling with the fastening of his pants until his hardened girth was poking between your slickness.

Oh, so this was going to happen here. You weren’t exactly crazy about the idea of having sex with Bucky in such a public place. The lighting was dark, the balcony was secluded; if anyone were to step outside, the two of you wouldn’t be noticed right away. But knowing that there was a gorgeous woman waiting for him, under the impression she was leaving with him tonight, just on the other side of this wall you were pressed against, it had you feeling a little less than great about yourself.

You knew you should stop this, you knew you should push him away, but as the head of his cock slid effortlessly inside of you, all thoughts in your head melted away. All you could focus on now was the mind-numbing bliss as his cock his that special spot inside you with every hard snap of his hips. His thumb still pressed to your clit had you careening closer and closer to the edge.

This angle had your pussy gripping him impossibly tight as his body pressed hard into yours. You struggled to keep your moans from becoming too encumbered, instead, trying to focus them into shallow breaths. His own breathing was heavy in your ear as he repositioned you, pulling both your legs around his waist, urging you to hook your ankles over his ass. 

At this new angle, he was able to thrust into you deeper than before. He was able to move more fluidly, more powerfully. His one hand was under your ass, cupping your thigh, while his other was pressed to the wall beside your head. Your hands wound around his neck and held tight as you were climbing impossibly higher.

Just as you were about to fall over the edge, you heard a woman scream.

You opened your eyes to see the date that Bucky had arrived with. You were hitting him on the back, trying to get him to stop and turn around; you’d been caught after all. You knew he was aware, you knew that his super soldier senses wouldn’t have allowed someone to sneak up on him, no matter how distracted he was. What you couldn’t wrap your head around was why he hadn’t stopped thrusting into you yet.

You were just about to open your mouth, unsure of what you were going to say, maybe to apologize, but instead all you could manage was a throaty moan as Bucky snapped his hips sharply inside you one more time, sending you crashing into your release reluctantly. Your pussy clamped over his cock and you closed your eyes.

This felt so wrong, so dirty. You’d never felt like this before. There was nothing more you wanted in this moment than to crawl into a hole and die. It was impossible to believe that you had been a part of something that had just completely devastated someone else.

Your heartbeat was starting to calm down when you heard the slam of the balcony door. Bucky eased your feet to the ground and didn’t let go until he was sure that you were steady enough on your feet to not crumble to the floor. You were trying to untangle your dress from itself and let it flow back down your legs as he started to do up the button on his own pants.

“That was NOT cool, Buck,” you said softly, yet admonishingly. You didn’t dare look up at him as you continued to smooth the wrinkles out of your dress, hoping you could make them disappear before you had to walk back into the crowded room of people.

“Are you saying you didn’t enjoy it?” he asked, that cocky smirk upturned half of his face, giving you his best smolder.

“Well, no, but…”

You couldn’t finish your sentence. You had no idea what you were going to say. Words completely escaped you for the first time in your life.

It was now that you noticed his cocksure bravado didn’t quite meet his eyes. You looked up, focusing on them finally as he looked down to tuck his shirt back into his pants and fastening his belt.

“What happened?” you asked, even though you feared you knew the answer. The pit in your gut was enough to let you know you weren’t going to like his answer.

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently enough.

“I mean, what was this all about?” you asked again as you gestured to the balcony, to yourself, to the door that his date just stormed out through.

“You just looked so…”

“Cut the shit, Buck. You may be able to fool the rest of them with that charming, mega-watt smile and by batting your big blue eyes, but I know you well enough to know when you aren’t being honest with me. Now tell me, what happened?” Your voice was still soft, but demanding.

“She wanted to make plans for the weekend…Asked me if I wanted to go away with her to some lake house her parents own…She started to make plans…” Bucky’s shoulders sagged and he put his hands on his waist as he finished.

Understanding flooded you and it felt as if your heart had just been ripped out of your chest. Not only that though, it feels like Bucky had used his bare hand to rip your still-beating heart from your ribcage and crush it in front of your face.

For the second time that night, the air felt like it was stolen from your lungs.

All this time, you’d accepted that Bucky couldn’t love you back the way that you loved him. You had accepted your fate to be nothing more than his friend for the rest of your life, because you had known that he still cared for you in a way he didn’t care about anyone else. You were able to live with this unrequited love because you still felt as if there was something special between the two of you. He respected you.

But not anymore.

Your world was burning to the ground around you when you realized that he had just used you as nothing more than a pawn to drive off yet another lovely human being who wanted nothing more than to just spend time with him. 

You weren’t even a person to him anymore. You were an object he could use in his sick cycle of self-deprecation. You were a thing.

He never considered that you’d be against subjecting another person to that kind of humiliation, to that kind of hurt. Not once since he showed up tonight did he consider your feelings at all. All he had to know what that you would do anything for him; without question, without hesitation.

He had just taken advantage of you.

For the first time, you were able to see him in a new light. Now, you were able to look back at all the times that you two had been together and see it for all it actually was. There were no emotions there, there was no respect, and there was no special caring. He had used the love you felt for him to his own advantage, taking everything he ever needed from you, and spewed just enough beautiful words your way to have you hanging on for more. He had let you believe that you meant something to him.

Now, standing here in the light of your epiphany, you only felt dirty. You felt dirty, and cheap, and used. 

And for the very first time in your life, you felt ashamed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: You leave the party soon after Bucky, meeting him at his apartment for more fooling around.  
> (Sorry, that’s all I feel comfortable giving away). 
> 
> Also, sorry it’s so long. I was being a very wordy bitch and couldn’t bring myself to make this any shorter.

For the first time, you were able to see him in a new light. Now, you were able to look back at all the times that you two had been together and see it for all it actually was. There were no emotions there, there was no respect, and there was no special caring. He had used the love you felt for him to his own advantage, taking everything he ever needed from you, and spewed just enough beautiful words your way to have you hanging on for more. He had let you believe that you meant something to him.

Now, standing here in the light of your epiphany, you only felt dirty. You felt dirty, and cheap, and used. 

And for the very first time in your life, you felt ashamed.

 

You weren’t sure what to do with yourself now. Your heart had gone from stopping mid-beat to thumping double-time, pumping madly in your chest. It nearly felt that it would explode through your ribcage any second. You struggled to maintain your breathing, but you managed somehow, despite the sharp, stabbing sensation that felt like knives were embedded in your chest. With every slow inhale, you could almost feel daggers digging themselves deeper and deeper.

Whatever was left of your heart; no, it was your entire world, now lay crumbled; no, decimated, at Bucky’s feet. And he didn’t even notice. You watched him, in shock, as he shot you another cocky smirk as he made himself decent again. He was completely oblivious to the fact that your entire universe was in flames, burning everything to the ground. He couldn’t see that your sense of gravity, everything that had tied you to this world, was shifting and sucking the light and air out of your body. Everything you’d ever known was transforming into something darker, something colder, something harder.

How could he stand there, so calm and quiet? Couldn’t he see the chaos brewing all around him?

No, he couldn’t, because this turmoil was happening only inside of you. You realized that as you were finally able to focus on the tranquil night surrounding you both. It was odd as you tried to process the contrasting realities fighting for dominance inside of you. Your brain could hear the quiet rumbling of cars that passed below on the streets, could feel the gentle cool breeze wafting against your skin, and the gentle aftershocks of your recent orgasm. But your heart, oh man, your heart burned with the intensity of a thousand suns, wreaking havoc in its wake as it demanded that its pain be acknowledged.

Your eyes met his and you forced yourself to focus on the calm, willing your hands to stop shaking by your sides. He mustn’t have been able to see the storm brewing behind your eyes because he was still smiling just the same at you as before. It was that sweet, brilliant smile that he always used when he looked at you, but now, instead of melting your heart as it usually did, it sent fresh waves of pain to crash through you.

Somehow, you weren’t sure how you managed it, but you were able to smile back. There wasn’t a rational explanation why you weren’t ready to tell him how he’d just devastated you, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t let him see you so weak and vulnerable you were yet. Not that you were sure he would even care anymore. At one point, yeah, maybe he’d convinced you that he did, but not anymore. Now you could see how he truly felt about you.

“So, what would you say to round two?” he purred in that way only Bucky could do, stirring up warmth in your belly despite how upset you were. He sauntered closer and placed both hands on your waist, pulling your body flush against his own. His lips were on yours as he planted a sweet, chaste kiss and then pulled back to look down expectantly at you. 

He was waiting for your answer.

“I…” You hesitated. You’d never hesitated before. Never once had you had to think for more than a second about being with Bucky.

“C’mon, baby girl. Who else is gonna fuck you like me?” He whispered teasingly in your ear as you unconsciously leaned into him further.

“Yeah, okay,” you sighed out, barely above a whisper, feeling defeated at how easily you caved to whatever he wanted. His lips were on your again and then he was gone, leaving you all alone. The cold started to seep deep into your bones at the loss of his warmth.

There you stood, just as he left you, for a few more minutes before you chanced a glance through the windows to the inside. When Bucky’s date left, you figured that she would have drawn a lot of attention to this direction as she stormed out. There didn’t seem to be anyone looking this way, you so opened the door and felt relief wash over you when everyone’s attention seemed to be somewhere else. Nobody paid you a single glance as you slipped back into the room.

As the bar drew nearer, you thought to yourself that making Bucky wait an extra 10 minutes wouldn’t necessarily kill him. There was a seat open by the end of the bar and you took it, signaling the bartender for 2 shots when he made his way towards you. 

You saw your friends you had been drinking with still in the same spot as when you left. Could it really be that they hadn’t moved since you walked away? Hadn’t an entire lifetime passed since you had been sitting there with them, throwing back shots and laughing, not having a single care? That was back when you thought you meant something to Bucky.

Well, that wasn’t entirely fair if you were being honestly. I mean, surely Bucky would care if something happened to you, right? Surely he would care more so if you were to die than if it were anyone else, right? Right?!?

Your order appeared in front of you and you shot back one of the tiny glass and relished the burn as it warmed your insides. You tried not to feel bitter as you watched your friends across the bar, still laughing and carrying on good-naturedly. Wands looked up at you and gave you a concerned look, miming towards you to ask if you wanted her to join you, but you only shook your head no and gave her a small smile. Her brow furrowed as you knew she was trying to get a read on you.

This wasn’t going to be fun, you thought, as her eyes widened. There it was, there was the minute she understood what had just happened with you and Bucky. Her delicate features hardened as she shook off Natasha’s arm that was draped over her shoulders. The others quieted as they watched her stomp towards you, but thankfully they shrugged and continued on with what they had been talking about before.

You ordered another shot before Wanda was standing beside you, hands pulling at your shoulders until you were facing her.

“Don’t go,” she demanded; her accent thicker than usual because of all the alcohol she had been drinking.

“Please, just…don’t worry about me, okay? I’m…” You weren’t sure how you were going to finish that sentence, but you didn’t have to because she was cutting you off with rough shake, as if she were trying to force some sense into your thick head.

“Don’t insult me by trying to say that you are fine. I know better than that. You aren’t fine. Don’t go to him tonight,” she pleaded with you, her voice softer as she said those last words.

“Wanda, please, don’t…”

“You don’t always have to go to him when he asks. You could say no. It wouldn’t hurt anyone to say no. Especially after what he did to you…”

You could hear the hitch in her voice as the scene replayed in your mind and also in hers as she was still connected to your thoughts. It was on a loop. She could see it all just as clearly as if she had been standing there next to you when it happened. She could feel the hurt that still weighed heavy in your chest as if it were her own.

“Stay here with us. You were having fun before he came in. You could stay and enjoy yourself.” She was giving you those big, puppy dog eyes and just for a minute, you wanted to give in so badly. “You deserve better than what he’s giving you.”

You couldn’t respond. You couldn’t even manage to look her in the eyes anymore. You knew that if you did, you would break. There was nothing more on this Earth that you wanted more than to run and hide from everything and everyone. Nothing sounded better than escaping from the hurt you were feeling. 

You threw back your second shot right before the bartender came back with your third.

You couldn’t do any of that though. Not when Bucky was expecting you. No matter how much you wanted to curl up on yourself and hide away, you’d still do anything for him. After all, you said as much not that long ago, didn’t you? Even if it killed you.

So, you strengthened your resolve and ignored Wanda’s pleas. Without even looking in her direction again, you gulped down your last drink and turned your back to her and walked out of the room. You did your best to send her an unspoken apology, knowing that she wouldn’t accept it right away, but that she would eventually come around. She always did.

Your buzz was still holding strong by the time your taxi pulled up outside Bucky’s apartment. Throwing a couple bills towards the driver, you stepped out onto the sidewalk just in time to hear a loud clap of thunder overhead. It seemed fitting to your mood as you looked up to see the storm clouds brewing and threatened to let the heavens pour; matching your mood.

The elevator ride up to Bucky’s floor was too short. Your heart was pounding in your chest as you stood outside of his door. The alcohol had dulled the pain for the time being, but your nerves weren’t as easy to suffocate. 

You couldn’t keep doing this to yourself. This had to stop. He wasn’t your happy ending anymore. It was easy to see that now. You’d fooled yourself into thinking that somehow, some way, you’d start to grow on him and he would need you like you needed him. But that was an unrealistic fantasy, a happy delusion. You could see that the only difference between you and all those other girls that Bucky brought around was that you were the only one moronic enough to keep coming back for more.

Gone now were the fantastic daydreams that you were slowly piecing together all his broken pieces. You didn’t suffer the delusions that he would see you as anything more than just a glorified hole to get his dick wet. You were no longer fooled into believing he cared anything about you.

So why were you here? Why couldn’t you make yourself turn around and head back to the party?

Because you wanted just one more time. That’s all you needed. Just one more time to get closure, right? It couldn’t hurt, right? This will be the last time you come running when he calls. This is the last time you’ll let him use you like this. All you need is to feel his skin pressed against yours one last time for you to be able to let him go.

As soon as you left tonight, you’ll delete his contact info. No, you’ll block his number and all other forms of communication. Maybe you would transfer to work under a different supervisor so you’ll never have to run into him again. Hell, maybe you could pack up all your shit and move across the state, no wait, move to the west coast. Everyone seems to love L.A. Maybe you’d give that a shot.

You were so lost in your head that you almost didn’t hear the door opening until you saw Bucky standing in front of you, looking as delicious as ever.

He towered over you as his eyes lit up as he looked down at you. Your mouth fell open at the figure he presented you with. There he stood, his hair still tied back behind his head with only a few strays floating around his face. His shirt was gone and exposing his toned, tanned chest. His tuxedo pants were unbuttoned and the suspenders that you hadn’t noticed before were hanging loose around his knees.

His gaze burned into you as his hand wrapped around your bicep and pulled you inside. The door slammed behind you before your body was pressed against it. His lips were on yours, devouring your very breath. His body pressed against yours and it was just enough to have you forgetting every one of your qualms from before. Now, all your consciousness could focus on was the spark you felt when his skin touched yours.

His metal hand was skimming along your side, pulling the hem of your dress up and up and up your legs while his flesh hand wrapped around your throat; his thumb and index digging gently into the softness just below your jaw. He added just enough pressure so that you could feel the blood rushing through your head, still able to draw in a gasping breath.

You couldn’t stop the way your body responded to him. With his hands on you, roughly palming your heat between your thighs, you couldn’t help from clenching them together, only managing to push his hand tighter against you. His mouth was nipping at your flushed skin with an insatiable hunger. 

“You were such a good girl tonight,” he purred into your neck before nipping the skin between his teeth again. His hand had let go and the rush of blood and oxygen came rushing back left you gasping, causing the room to tilt slightly. Both hands were on your waist now and the skirt of your dress was hitched up, held up around his wrists. A cool breeze brushed against your heated skin and you shivered in his hold. “But you’re always a good girl for me, aren’t you baby doll? Always so fucking good.”

Holy fuck, you loved it when he praised you.

“Are you going to keep being a good girl for me, princess?” he moaned into your ear before taking your lips between his teeth and pulled back, letting it slide roughly out of his hold.

Words were lost on you as you struggled to say something, only barely managing an eager nod of your head. That was all he needed before he was tugging at your dress, threatening to rip it in half. Thankfully he’d had just enough patience left in him to let you fumble with the zipper before it finally fell to the floor, leaving you completely bare.

Before you could take another breath, you were in his arms again and he was carrying you to the bedroom. You barely managed to kick off your heels before he was tossing you onto the bed, his body never leaving yours. His lips were on your mouth, then your neck, then your shoulders. When he reached the valley between your breasts, you tangled your hands in his hair and urged him back up; you needed your mouth on his again. You needed to taste him once more, but he had different plans.

He kept moving down, nipping the soft skin on your hips before he was between your thighs. There was nearly no warning, definitely no warming-up before he buried himself between your folds. You cried out as his tongue circled your clit and then again when he sucked it between his teeth. 

“Ah-ahhh, too fast, it’s too fast…” you moaned as you tried to push his head back a bit to relieve the pressure, the tension from your high building too quickly, but he held steadfast. Instead, he pushed two fingers through your wetness and applied more than enough pressure that caused you to cry out and fist your fingers in his hair. He didn’t let up until you were screaming your release that he just forced out of you. Your body was tensed and your back was arched completely off the bed. Your grip in his dark hair was so forcible that you almost pulled it from his scalp as your climaxed roared through you like a freight train.

“What a pretty little thing you are,” Bucky growled as he kissed his way slowly back up your body. “You are so beautiful when you lose control like that, when you come…”

You could only hum in appreciation at his praise as he crawled back up your body and kissed along the hollow around your collarbone. He shifted slightly and you couldn’t tell what he was doing until he shimmied and you could feel his pulsing, stiff cock bobbing between your thighs.

First, he guided one of your legs up and around his waist, urging you to throw your ankle across his back and then rested that arm by your shoulder to support his weight. Next, his other hand trailed down your thigh and hooked under your knee. Instead of pulling that one up around his waist too, he just pulled it up until your knee hit your chest, opening you up completely to him. He pressed hard against your knee, urging you silently to keep it there, before letting go and skimming down along your leg until he reached your hip.

His hips were rolling against you, guiding his girth along your slippery folds teasingly. It didn’t take long before his cock was covered in your slick left over from where you just came. He purposefully drug the weight of his heavy cock against your clit, making you moan unabashedly as your body was already building quickly towards another climax.

“P-please,” you mewled into the side of his head, letting your nose bury itself in his hair that you’d pulled loose from its tie. His scent swirled around you, intoxicating you more than the alcohol that still coursed through your system.

“Please what, sweetheart,” he grunted, sounding out of breath as he kept up with his teasing strokes.

“Bucky,” you cried out as he let his cock brush against your clit again, sending white hot jolts of pleasure through your extremities.

“I need to hear you say it, baby girl. Tell me what you want. Do you want me to make you come again, just like this? As I rub my cock through your curls without actually entering you?” He egged on as he let his cock head lay heavy on top of your sensitive bundle of nerves. 

You cried out again, tensing up underneath him. “Or do you want me to slip inside you and fill you up? I could make you come while I’m so deep inside you, princess. I can hit that sweet spot you know only I can reach.” 

His hand left your hip and skimmed over your belly until he walked his fingers down to your pelvis, letting his fingers tease over your mound. “I could make you come with just my fingers, sweetheart. Any way you want it, you just have to let me know what my sweet little girl wants. What do you need, love?” He emphasized that last word as his fingers jumped up to your breast and plucked at your nipple harshly.

Your body keened into his and your nails scraped along his back. He only chuckled as your eyes squeezed shut and tried your damnedest to concentrate on speaking.

“Need you…in…me…please!” you cried out as he finally slammed inside you, letting his hips press fully into your ass now. You could barely hear his strangle cry as you continued to moan loudly. That slight bite of pain as he stretched you wide around him had you almost careening over the edge of your release.

He was still inside you, completely sheathed in your warmth. “I’ll never get enough of this,” he groaned as he pressed his forehead to yours. Somehow, you had managed to open your eyes to see him staring softly down at you. The look on his face, the sensitivity, the genuine appreciation, the softness of his brow, and the brightness of his beautiful blue eyes; it was almost too much for you. “I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever have my fill of you.”

His voice was barely a whisper. You desperately wanted to believe him and the sincerity burning through his tone and the kindness in his eyes made it that much more convincing. In this moment, he made it easy to believe that you were more than just a fuck buddy.

And just for this one last time, you let yourself buy into the fantasy. You let yourself believe everything he was saying as he continued to whisper sweet nothings into your ear. It was so contradictory to the way your coupling had started, but you were so beyond rationality that you weren’t going to question it.

You let yourself be mesmerized by the twinkling of his eyes and the soft smile playing along his lips as he thrust slowly into you.

Your core clenched as it always does when you are close to your orgasm. You knew that with just a couple more carefully timed thrusts that you’d be swallowed up by mind-numbing bliss. But Bucky knew this too, and of course, he wasn’t going to let you have it that easily. He pulled out of you and flipped you over to your belly, causing you to squeal.

You whimpered in protest as your almost-orgasm started to ebb away. You could feel more than hear Bucky chuckle as his huge body settled over yours, pressing his chest to your back. He kneed your legs further apart, even hitched one leg up and out to the side as his lips pressed demandingly all along your shoulder and up the back of your neck. With another breath, he was thrusting back inside of you.

The pace was the same as before, slow and steady, but the slight jerking of his hips had him slapping satisfyingly against your ass. His arms caged yours in by your sides, making it impossible for you to do anything more than angle your hips up into him. In this position he was hitting just the right spot over and over again, slamming into it with every single thrust. You were on the brink of your release yet again.

You nearly let a string of curses fly as Bucky stilled inside you once more. He was definitely not going to let you come so easily again tonight. His lips continued to press into your shoulder blade as his long, loose strands of hair tickled along your neck. You did your best to wiggle your hips beneath him, anything you could do to get him to stimulate that tiny little spot you needed most. He chuckled into your skin as he pressed let his weight settle against you a little heavier, effectively keeping you trapped and immobile.

“Please, Buck, please, I need to come,” you begged, using all your strength to push up, but only grunted and sighed when he didn’t budge.

“I don’t think you want it bad enough, baby girl,” he teased as he nipped at your throat.

“Please, Bucky, baby, I can’t take this anymore. I need to come. Please, baby, let me come all over that big thick cock,” you pleaded with him once more.

That was all it took. Bucky’s warmth left you for a split second before you felt his large hands on your shoulders, dragging you up and turning you in his arms. He pulled your chest against his as he maneuvered back until he was leaning against the headboard. He helped your lap settle into his and eased your dripping core onto his hardened length.

You relished in the way this new position filled you up, feeling the head of his cock press against your cervix. This right here, the closeness, the eye contact, the feel of his thick cock stretching your walls impossibly tight; this was your favorite position.

Your arms wrapped around his neck and you let your hands wander to his hair as you began your pace, rising and falling in short, shallow thrusts at first, before you were rolling your pelvis against him. His breathing was picking up, becoming heavier and labored as he let his hands slide up your side and down again before resting on your hip. His metal arm was wrapped around your back and up into your own loose hair that fell down around your shoulders. He let his fingers tangle in the locks and then pulled your head back until you were forced to stare at the ceiling.

His lips attached themselves to your exposed throat and marked his way down to your collarbone. You wiggled your hips back just enough to let one hand snake between your bodies. When Bucky realized what you were doing, he swatted it away and immediately replaced it with his own. The grip on your hair loosened enough to let you lower your head enough to look into his lust-blown eyes.

His thumb circled your clit expertly as he had done a hundred times before. He twirled and pressed and flicked until you were nearly crying into his neck as your orgasm neared. You were so close now, so very, very close. He sped his ministrations when your hips started slamming erratically down against his. You were fast approaching your end; it hung in the air, so close that you could practically taste it.

You came harder than you think you ever have in your life. It was forceful and blinding as it completely overwhelmed all your senses. Your body trembling on top of Bucky combined with the way your walls clamped around his cock had him meeting his end not long after. His warmth pulsed inside of you as he twitched and grunted beneath you.

He was very gentle as he eased your back to the bed and laid you carefully among the ruffled comforter. He kissed you softly before he left you, disappearing into the bathroom. With his absence, you were now flooded with immense, overwhelming grief.

This was the stupidest thing you have ever done. There was no way you should have let this happen. It was a mistake to come to him after what he did earlier tonight. You were so weak with the way you let him use you over and over and over again. You always came crawling back, every damn time. You definitely should have stayed with your friends as they got drunk off of Stark’s expensive liquor.

As your guilt and regret started to replace your after-glow, your body started to curl in on itself. It was what you’d been craving to do all night. Tears started to leak from your closed eyes as you fought off sobs. Having sex with Bucky had never left you feeling so raw or vulnerable before, but with all the hormones surging through your body right now, you were feeling very uncomfortable in your own skin.

Yeah, this was definitely a mistake. You’d thought this would have helped letting go of Bucky easier for you, but all you’ve accomplished is feeling like a cheap, easy, selfish whore. 

You didn’t hear Bucky return until you felt a warm, damp cloth between your legs. You jumped away, twisting around so you were sitting on the other side of the bed, knees pressed to your chest. He flew back in surprise as well. It wasn’t normal for you to act like this afterwards. He tensed out of instinct, pulling himself up to his full height and looking for a potential threat that might have caused this reaction from you.

He was confused, for sure, as he’d only been gone from the room for no more than a minute, but he didn’t stop scanning the room until he was satisfied nothing had changed. His gaze fell to you, questioning your actions as you jumped to your feet and pulled the sheet from his bed and wrapped it around yourself.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he rounded the corner of his large bed to come closer to you; his hands extended towards you in what was supposed to be a reassuring gesture.

“Please, don’t touch me,” you choked out in barely more than a whisper as your tears continued to fall.

Bucky’s eyes widened and he let his arms fall to his side.

“This was a m-mistake,” you whispered, taking a step back, away from him. 

His eyes widened even more if that were possible and when you saw a brief flash of hurt pass over his beautiful face, you almost wished you could have taken it back; almost.

“What?” he whispered, tensing as he fought against his urge to approach you again, to wrap his arms around you.

“I can’t do this anymore,” you said as you struggled to sound sure and confident in what you were saying.

“I don’t understand,” he replied, hardening his face, freeing it of any emotion. You hated the way he looked so cold and indifferent now. But it would make all this easier to get out in the open.

“I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life, Buck. You know this already, though. And we both know you don’t love me back. Which is…well, was okay. I know you have issues with intimacy and you don’t think you’re able to love anyone after everything you’ve been through. Or maybe you think that you don’t deserve it. I’m going to be honest, I’ve never understood it, but I’ve never questioned it. You cared about me and we shared something that you didn’t have with anyone else. And for a long time, that was enough for me.

“I made myself believe that I was different from all those other poor girls you paraded in and out of your life, and that was enough for me. Because, no matter how many came and went, you kept coming back to me, and only me. That had to mean something, right?

“But then, tonight…that poor girl…”

“So this is about my date? Is that what you’re telling me? That you care about hurting her feelings while my dick is still covered in your slick?”

You didn’t like the way Bucky scoffed or the hard demenour he had adopted since you’d pulled away from him.

“I’ve always cared, Buck,” you whispered before he turned his back and stomped away a couple feet and turned back, pacing back and forth. “But you’ve never noticed that before, have you?”

He stopped mid-stride and turned to face you. He didn’t look mad or frustrated anymore. He didn’t look any way except maybe slightly confused. His brows furrowed and he crossed his arms over his bared, broad chest.

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m not okay with the way you handled things tonight. You used me like I was nothing more than a pawn in your twisted game to hurt someone else. You used me just like you used them. I was nothing more to you in that moment than something you could use to hurt someone else.

“Did you stop for even a second to think about how it would make me feel? Did you ever consider that using me like could possible hurt me? Was that part of the equation for you? You looked at me tonight and only saw me as an object to be manipulated and twisted to use at your will.

“Did you consider that there might be consequences for me? Have you no concern for how I would feel after? Do you care? Have you ever cared about me? Every time that you’ve ever laid with me, did you ever care about me any more than how I could make you come?

“All these years, I have been telling myself that everything is okay and that you couldn’t help it; it’s just the way you’re hardwired now. I’ve been so busy convincing myself that this is working for me, that I hadn’t stopped to see that it’s actually been killing me inside. Little by little, every time I went back home to my empty apartment to sleep alone, a little piece of me would die.

“But now I can see I’ve been wrong this whole time. Now, I can see that I was nothing, am nothing, to you.”

Bucky opened his mouth to interject, maybe to argue, but you held up a hand and he snapped his mouth shut. Tears were starting to stream down your cheeks although you were still able to speak calmly and clearly.

“You would say such pretty things to me, Bucky. You would purr all these beautiful nothings in my ear while you were still inside me, but did you ever mean any of it? Was there ever any truth behind it at all?”

Your breath hitched slightly when you saw him sigh and let his shoulders sag slightly. You knew the answer without him having to actually say it. You pressed on, not giving him the chance to speak because you were sure that if he opened his mouth and actually confirmed everything, you wouldn’t survive it.

“That’s on me. Stupid, foolish, naive me thought that I could be enough for you; that I could ever be enough to make you feel a little more like yourself again. Nothing is ever going to change. We will always only ever be just this,” you gestured between your naked bodies. “This is all we ever were. You just take and take from me until I have nothing left to give.

“I love you James. I love you so damn much that sometimes I feel like my heart will explode from how consuming and absolute it is. I probably always will, but I can’t keep doing this to myself.”

At this, Bucky let his arms fall to his sides and bowed his head. You struggled to continue, finding your voice starting to grow thick and your throat was trying to close up.

“I can’t keep breaking myself up into these little pieces just to be able to give you what you need. If I don’t stop this now, what’s going to be left of me? I’ll just be this hollow shell of whatever I used to be and then what use would you have of me then? What good would I be to anyone else? To myself?”

The silence was heavy and thick as it hung in the air between the two of you. Bucky looked up at you and at least now he had the decency to look just the tiniest bit remorseful. His blue eyes were shining as they now bore into yours.

But he made no move to comfort you.

Gone now were the days when he would put his arm around you and let you cry into his shoulder after some idiot broke your heart. Because this time, he was the idiot that broke your heart. There was no tender, heart-felt apology. Not that you had been expecting one.

Now that you thought about it, you weren’t really sure what you had been expecting.

You knew what you had wanted to happen. You wanted him to stop you as you turned your back on him to find your clothes. You had wanted him to tell you that you had it all wrong, that he did care, that he did love you, even if it was in his own messed-up way he only knew how to. You wanted him to assure you that you were his everything and that you meant more to him than anyone else did.

But it didn’t come. None of it did.

He watched silently, with guarded eyes, as you dressed and gathered your things, shoving everything into your purse. At some point he had slipped on some sweat pants and trailed after you as strode from his bedroom to the living room.

Just as you were at the door, you felt his hand on your elbow and you turned your body halfway towards him, but couldn’t bring your face up to meet his. You couldn’t let him see just how hurt and broken you were in this moment. 

“You had to know…you do know…I do care…I just…I can’t…” he whispered softly, but you didn’t let him finish.

You couldn’t listen to anything else he had to say. Because if you didn’t leave right now, you wouldn’t leave at all. You knew that if you listened to the way his voice cracked with that last word that you’d be taking all of it back and you’d stay.

So, without another seconds’ delay, you gently pulled your arm out of his grasp and walked out his door, pulling it closed softly behind you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, I’m not sure how to warn you for this one, there’s nothing exceptionally triggering. It’s just the beginning of the fallout from the end of the last chapter. There’s a lot of angry thoughts, a lot of sadness, bad language I’m sure, because it’s me and I curse a lot.

Bucky had always been well acquainted with pain. He had known it for most of his adult life. It was his ever constant companion.

He was more than just familiar with guilt, with shame, with self-loathing; even contempt. He’d murdered a lot of people during his time with HYDRA, and although he knew that, rationally, he wasn’t necessarily at fault, it was still his hands that carried out the death sentences. He will always carry around the names and see the faces of every victim until the day he would take his last breath.

He knew what agony felt like, both physically and emotionally.

But this, this feeling that was brewing deep in his chest, deep in his gut, the feeling that threatened to consume him like a rapid wildfire, it was entirely new and completely unfamiliar. It was like hitting rock bottom. No, wait, not rock bottom. This was like hitting rock bottom and them prying the hardness beneath him up by his fingernails, not stopping even as they ripped off and split open.

Just to watch you cry like that, knowing it was because of him; that torment, that absolute anguish; it spread through his body slow and heavy, like the densest fog. It settled deep into his bones and made its home there. The ache was thick and somber, and cold; so very, very cold. The ache had him feel as if he were suffocating.

You weren’t supposed get pulled into this mess with him. That had never been his intention. 

You were light, you were warmth, you were happiness. It’s what had drawn him to you since the very beginning. The way you cared about everyone and everything, your kindness, your compassion; it was all these things that made you so beautiful and so precious. It was as if every breath that he took when he was near you was lighter and cleaner; more sustaining. You were like sunshine after a long, cold rain. You were his peace in the middle of his torturous and dismal existence.

Just to be close to you was enough to make him feel like the man he had been before the war; whole and untainted.

You were goodness.

He was bad for you, the both of you knew it, and yet, you loved him anyways. It wasn’t as if it were some huge accomplishment or achievement. You loved everyone. It was the biggest part of who you are. Love exuded from you as if it were as fundament as eating and sleeping and breathing.

He knew it was wrong to let himself get close to you in the first place. He knew he shouldn’t have been so selfish as to pursue a friendship with you; not to mention all the other things that evolved from there. Pain and heartache were the only things in store for anyone that associated with Bucky, but he couldn’t stop himself. His head would scream for him to put a stop to all of this, but his heart, oh man, his heart, it was drawn too far into your orbit. To resist you know would be as difficult as trying to defy gravity.

He didn’t deserve you. He would never deserve you.

And here he was, the truly abhorrent and horrendous monster that he had always known himself to be, he had finally broken you.

Bucky knew the very second that this plan had started to formulate in his mind, that it would hurt you. He knew it would devastate you. That’s why he did it. That was the goal from the very beginning. It needed to happen. It was the only way to show you exactly how much of a monster he could be. It would have to take something drastic, something so completely catastrophic to finally break himself away from you.

He had to drive you away, once and for all. And the only way to push away someone as forgiving and understanding as you were was to hurt you. He had to make you hate him, but instead, he only managed to make you hate yourself even more than you apparently already did. You didn’t blame him for any of it. No, you only blamed yourself. He’d made you feel weak and unworthy and pathetic.

You were supposed to have gotten mad at him. You were supposed to have thrown things, and smashed all of his belongings, just like all the other girls had done. But you weren’t like all the other girls, now were you? Isn’t that what made you so special in the first place? That you were different? 

He had been foolish to think that this wouldn’t become such a colossal fucking mess. This was worse than a living nightmare. 

He hadn’t just hurt you. He devastated you.

He didn’t taint your light like he had feared. Instead, he had sucked every last ounce of it out of you, draining you until you were as sad and broken as he was.

This was worse than those weeks he would spend depriving himself of your company after a night in bed with you. He thought, at first, it would be enough to force some distance between the two of you, but he always broke, no matter what.

So that’s when he started bringing around the hordes of different women. He invited girl after girl into his bed before the perfume from the last one could even be washed from his sheets. It worked for a little while, but after each encounter, he only felt empty and hollow. 

Nobody else had made his skin come alive like you did. Nobody else could make his blood sing in his veins like you did. Nobody else could make his heart flutter or skip a beat when his name came spilling from their lips like it did when it would drop from yours with a breathy moan. When your skin was pressed hot and sweaty against his, it left not only his body satisfied, but also his soul; or at least whatever little of it was left.

He felt like he was starting to need you. And he hated it. Because, of course, he needed you. He cared about you more than he had cared for anyone else. You were warmth, you were brightness, you were goodness. And you were his.

Oh fuck, no, of course you weren’t his. That was the point of this whole thing, wasn’t it? He could never have you. He could never love you like you deserved to be loved. He wasn’t capable of that kind of affection and devotion. Not since HYDRA had fucked with his head and stripped him of everything that had once made him who he was.

“Fuck!” Bucky screamed as he turned and picked up the edge of an end table and threw it as well as its contents across the room and smash into the far wall, shattering on impact.

And that wasn’t the only thing to feel Bucky’s rage that night. He continued on his rampage, next directing his attention to his little kitchen table, flipping it with one hand before he proceeded to throw both chairs that accompanied it to the wall. Then it was his couch he had upturned before he smashed his metal arm down into his coffee table, splintering the thick wood into a hundred thousand pieces. 

The mirror that hung on the wall above where the couch had been was next, but not before he caught a glimpse of his own reflection. He couldn’t pull his eyes away as they studied every little, minute feature; starting with his eyes. They were just the same as always, the steely-grey that you said had reminded you of the ocean after a storm with how dark and deep they were. You’d told him they were so kind and so peaceful that you could always lose yourself in them.

Then, there was his long, dark hair that fell unruly around his face. You had always loved running your fingers through them. If he were honest, he loved it too. It had been the first tender affection you had ever shown him. The two of you had been watching some movie at his apartment and he couldn’t remember why right now, but he had been sitting on the floor right next to where you were lying on his couch. Just a few minutes into the movie, your fingers carded into his hair and you started massaging his scalp. He wasn’t sure if you’d ever known what that kind, innocent, and caring gesture meant to him that night, but he had craved your touch ever since.

Oh, but that was nothing compared to how it felt when your hands were fisted in those same locks and he was making you fall apart beneath him. The way your nails scratched his scalp when he’d dive nose first between your folds. The way your fists would clench and you’d pull so tight at the peak of your climax. The sting that always accompanied it when you threatened to pull his hair out by the root.

And then there’s those fucking pouty lips. You’d always tell him how soft they felt when they were slanted over your own. Every fucking time, you’d gasp and tell him, like you hadn’t told him a thousand times before. As if you didn’t say it every single time he’s kissed you before. You’d always pull away first, gasping for breath, and giggle before admitting that it was likely he could bring you to climax just from kissing you alone. He’d be lying if he ever said he wasn’t tempted to have try.

There was that dark stubble covering his cheeks that would tickle your thighs when his face was buried them. He never would admit it, but most of the reason he kept it this length was because of the way you’d giggle before moaning when it brushed against your sensitive skin. It was always so satisfying to see the beginnings of his beard burn between your legs as they trembled from your release.

He hated his reflection. You had been the only thing beautiful about him and now you were gone. This face that stared back at him, mocking him, reminding him of you, disgusted him. All that he could see now was the ugly, brutish, and grotesque monster reflecting outwards from deep within.

With a guttural yell, he smashed his right fist through the mirror, not feeling the sting as several jagged shards shredded through the fragile skin.

He collapsed to his knees, sagging under his own heavy guilt. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go at all. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The journey back to your own apartment was a blur. You don’t remember hailing the taxi, or the quiet ride here, nor the flight of stairs you had to have walked up to get here, but here you were, standing in your dark living room, unsure of what to do with yourself now.

The tears had stopped sometime during the ride back, leaving your face puffy and red, but at least it was now dry. The pain had stopped somewhat, leaving in its place a cold yet comforting numbness. You flicked on the light switch and had to shut your bloodshot eyes away from the sting of the brightness, but you left it on. 

Well, the first thing you needed to do was to purge everything that reminded you of Bucky. There was no way you were going to be able to heal and get over him if you were constantly haunted by his stuff. So, you stripped yourself of your fancy dress, changed into your comfortable sweats, and tied your hair into a messy ponytail and got to work. It was best to move fast because you weren’t sure how long you would be able to do this before you broke down again.

You grabbed a couple boxes and some trash bags before you started in the living room. First, you took down all the pictures of him. Every frame that held his cruel, smiling face was set in one box with the mental note that when you felt stronger, you might go through them and replace them instead of tossing them. Then there was the throw that was draped over the back of your couch he had gotten you for your birthday a couple years back. It had to go as well. Then it was all the movies you used to watch together. All the cds he’d bought for you. Every little trinket that you might have bought either when you were with him or because you thought he might have liked it; it all had to go. 

It was tempting to throw everything away, but there was just so much stuff that you figured you’d just need some time to heal and move on before pulling everything back out again.

It was surprising how quickly the first box filled up before you snapped on its lid and scooted it into the hallway that led to the front door. Next, it was time to start in the bedroom. This one was going to be harder because everything in here reminded you of him. But you started with the sheets. It had been months since he’d come to your place and although the linens had been washed a dozen times since then, you swore you could still smell him in the fabric. There was no saving them, so you tossed them in the garbage back. All your pillows followed as well, opting to buy them all new just for the sake of starting over fresh.

Next, you went for the tee shirts and sweat pants he kept here. It wasn’t often he’d come over or that he’d forget his spare clothes he always brought ‘just in case’ but you had accumulated a couple of each. So you dug those out of your drawers and placed them in a new box that would be returned to him whenever you had the strength to do so. 

You strode off into the bathroom and dug under your sink until you found the toiletries of his that you’d bought for when he chose to shower at your place. You’d hoped that it would entice him to come around more, but obviously that was not the case. He’d use them, thank you for being so thoughtful, and then they’d go back into their storage area and not to be touched for another few months. It was tempting to trash them, but you figured you’d put them in his box with his clothes. No reason you had to be so wasteful.

You walked back into your bedroom and were still not satisfied with your progress. His presence still lingered in everything you owned. He had touched everything in here. You remembered the look on his face when you’d brought him in your bedroom that first night you’d slept with him. He wore a small smile and looked appreciatively around your room, taking in all your personal touches to your intimate space. Then he had sat on the edge of your bed before pulling you between his legs as the two of you fell onto the mattress…

The mattress! That had to go as well. You couldn’t sleep on it anymore without replaying every single night, the long hours you’d spent in it, rolling around and being pinned down by his large body.

This was more difficult, but you had managed to pull it up from your bed frame and scooted it out into the hallway as well. Maybe you’d try to sell it or you could donate it, but you knew you couldn’t keep it. Taking another long look around the room, you knew in your heart that everything would have to go. 

You could still see him sitting at the bar in your kitchen as you would cook supper. You could still see him bent over, halfway inside your fridge as he’d dig around for food. There he was, still sitting beside you on the couch, laughing at something that was happening on the television. His moaning could still be heard from the bathroom that one time he had thought that shower sex had been a good idea. 

Everything reminded you of him.

Just as you were on the brink of tears again, your heart feeling as though it was shattering with just the thought of how engrained he had become into your life, a knock at the door had broken you from your thoughts. Your heart skipped a beat in your chest, thinking Bucky might have actually followed you here wanting to apologize and make up.

You held your breath as you pulled the door open and was half-way relieved to see that it was Steve standing there, still wearing his tuxedo from the party. He silently took in your appearance and let his brows furrow before saying anything.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to disturb your evening, but Bucky’s not answering his cell and I thought he might be with you. I tried yours too, but it kept going straight to voice mail. I was on my way to his place, but thought maybe I’d check here since it was on the way.”

You cleared your throat and shook your head before you could make your mouth speak.

“He’s not here. Sorry,” you whispered back, afraid to say anything else as your eyes started to prickle with unshed tears. You clutched onto the door for strength as you felt a wave of sadness roll over you, making you weak in the knees. What an inconvenient time for this to happen.

Steve’s eyes widened slightly in surprise and moved towards you only fractionally, as if he were thinking you were about to fall and he was going to catch you. He looked appraisingly at you now, noticing how red and puffy your eyes were, your red nose, puffy cheeks, and white knuckled grip on the door knob. 

“Hey, is everything alright?” he asked concerned.

You cleared your raw throat before you answered.

“Oh, yeah, sure Steve,” you answered with a nod. It wasn’t going to be long before you broke down again and you needed to get Steve out of here. You made to close the door a little more, but his large hand pressed against the wood and pushed it open more. With a sigh, you let him push it open all the way and stepped back to let him in, but he didn’t cross the threshold. 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” he asked again, giving you a hard look, that same look that told you not to lie to him.

“I…” you didn’t finish, only sucked in a shaky breath and hung your head.

He placed a hand on your shoulder and let his thumb slide comfortingly over your collarbone, meant to soothe you, but all it did was make your breath hitch in your chest. You pulled away with a sad smile, doing your best not to offend him because you understood he wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. He had been only trying comfort you. But you couldn’t stand his touch. You were sure, that in this moment, you wouldn’t be able to stand anyone’s touch.

He gave you an understanding nod and pulled his hand back to his side. You saw when he glanced over your shoulder and a flash of confusion moved across his face.

“Are you…moving?”

“Uh…” you stuttered, turning your back on him to see what he was looking at. There were boxes pilled in the hallway, your living room looked considerably bare without your picture frames and decorations, and even your mattress was pushed out amongst the mess. “Oh, yeah, I guess…” That was a brilliant idea. Instead of getting rid of all your stuff, you should find a new place, with all new things, and start fresh.

“You guess? Isn’t that something you should know before you start packing everything?” he asked, not harshly, but there was a certain edge in his voice. His eyes were wide and he looked just slightly worried.

“Is there anything else you need, Captain?” you asked, turning back towards him, schooling your features as best you could, needing to get him out of here before he started asking questions you didn’t have the answer to.

“No, I guess I’ll leave you to it.” Steve said with a curt nod and stepped back to turn away. You were watching him walk away before you called out for him to stop. He looked at you and you held out your hand, asking him to wait just a minute. You disappeared from the doorway and returned a minute later with a cardboard box.

“If y-you’re going to see B-bucky, could you p-please give this to him. It’s his s-stuff he’s l-left here,” you stammered, your throat thick and threatened to close as the tears started to leak from your eyes.

Steve took the box, but before he could ask you anything else, you had turned away and the door to your apartment slammed. As soon as you slid the locks into place, you collapsed back against the hardness and fell to your butt. You wrapped your arms around your legs and cried until you fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A deeper look into what’s happening with Bucky. It’s angsty! But who’s surprised? Like really? Very bad thoughts, physical violence.

The punching bag was groaning as it endured the strain of hit after hit as Bucky wailed against the canvas. He kept pounding; punch after punch, until a particularly brutal hit sent it flying from the chain and the seams burst as it hit the concrete floor of the gym. His chest was heaving as he watched the sand flood along the floor, pouring out of its confines.

He wasn’t sure how much time has passed since he arrived, but the sun is starting to come up through the windows and his muscles are aching from prolonged exertion. Looking down, he sees blood has seemed through the white tape he applied to his knuckles when he arrived the previous night. It would be best to change the tape and freshen up a bit before Steve arrived for their sparring session later this morning.

He stepped into the shower after discarding his clothes in a heap on the floor. The memories of the past several hours replayed behind his closed eyes as he let the hot water loosen his tight, knotted muscles.

 

Steve had shown up unannounced at his apartment, ‘just to check in’ he said. Bucky didn’t let him inside; instead he stood outside his door and told Steve with a tight smile that everything was fine. He’d assured him that he had just had a long night; the anxiety of being in the midst of such a large crowd had finally gotten to him, so he left and had been asleep when Steve had tried to call. 

It was impossible to miss the concerned look in his best friend’s eyes. He’d felt almost guilty for lying so blatantly to Steve, causing him any more worry than necessary. After all, Steve was one of the very few people he could be honest with in the first place. Surely Steve would see right through his lie as he hung his head, but if he did, thankfully, he didn’t call him out on it.

They stood in silence for a moment longer as Steve quietly appraised him before he noticed that there was a box in Steve’s arms. With a furrowed brow, he just jutted his chin towards it, not taking his eyes off of it. There was a sinking sensation in his gut giving him a hint as to what it was, but that would be impossible so quickly, wouldn’t it? 

Steve thrust the box into Bucky’s chest.

“I stopped by Y/N’s before coming here.” And his heart sank into the pit of his stomach. “I thought maybe you’d have been there since you weren’t answering your phone. She wanted me to give this to you if I saw you tonight,” Steve explained softly before putting both hands in his pockets. “Listen, pal, if you need someone to talk to, if there’s something going on, you can always talk to me.”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll be alright,” Bucky assured, never taking his eyes off the package in his hands. He wasn’t ready for what was going to be waiting inside.

“If you’re sure,” Steve sighed with a shrug. “If you decide to change your mind, you always know where you can find me. Cause I’m with you till the end of the line.” 

Steve wore a small, tired smile as he clapped his hand to Bucky’s shoulder, squeezing for half a beat before releasing him again. He was about to turn away when he spoke again.

“Hey, are you still going to make it to the gym tomorrow?”

Bucky nodded silently, finally looking up at Steve and doing his best to school his features into the most neutral, cool posture he could manage.

“Great. Hill is supposed to be bringing by some of the higher level agents and, I dunno, I thought maybe we could give them a little demonstration. Show them what some real hand-to-hand action looks like.”

“Sure, pal. Wouldn’t miss it,” Bucky said with a small nod and watched Steve leave.

Shifting the box under one arm, he opened the door to his apartment and slid back inside before kicking the door shut behind him. He took a seat in the floor, sitting cross-legged with the box in his lap and delicately lifted the lid to see what was inside. It made him sick when he realized his suspicions had been correct and he sagged under the weight of it. He found all the spare clothes he’d left at your place as well as the toiletries you’d kept there just for him. What hurt him worse was when he saw the trinkets and a few of the more thoughtful gifts he’d given you over the years nestled between his shirts.

Bucky let his head hang down against his chest and sat like that, clutching the box until he couldn’t feel his legs anymore. He was rocking back and forth ever so slightly, letting a few tears fall and darken the cardboard in his lap.

He had to get out of here. He had to leave before the anger set in again and he wanted to rip the place apart, beam by beam. Standing on shaky legs, he wobbled slightly as he stomped to his bedroom and pulled his gym bag out of his closet and left for the tower. It wouldn’t be a half-bad idea to channel some of that self-deprecation and destructive tendencies into something a little more productive.

 

So that’s how he found himself here, reflecting on his actions, standing naked in the gym shower. He water pressure worked out most of the knots in his back by the time he turned the nozzle off. He’s not sure how long he’s been in here, but he’s sure Steve won’t be too much longer before arriving so he towels off and hurriedly changes into a fresh set of clothes from his bag. Bucky ties his damp hair back into a low knot and heads back out to the training area where’s he supposed to meet Steve.

Sure enough, he’s already there, waiting for him.

There’s nothing much in the way of a greeting before a brief nod in the other’s direction before they get started. Steve is moving in swift, precise circles around the mat, looking and waiting patiently for an opening. Bucky makes no move to engage, only following Steve’s steps, mirroring his pace perfectly. Steve finally juts forward and attempts a couple blows which Bucky blocks with ease. He’s so focused on watching Steve that he doesn’t realized that he’s been asked a question until Steve is saying his name.

“What?” Bucky asked, relaxing a bit and straightening his back so he can pay better attention to what Steve’s saying.

“I just asked if you know what’s going on with Y/N,” he asked again as he swung for Bucky’s head which he dodged easily.

“What do you mean?” Bucky’s heart was racing. There was no way Steve could know what was happening with the two of you, but here he was, asking about you anyways. 

Well, actually, he might. He did say that he stopped by her apartment looking for him. What if you had told Steve everything that he had done? His heart was thundering in his chest now.

No, wait, if Steve knew, he’d have brought it up when he saw him last night. Besides, he highly doubted you’d have said anything to anyone about it. He knew you were the type to bottle everything up inside, hating to think that you could ever be a burden to anyone, no matter how much they cared about you; especially if they cared about you.

“When I saw her last night, you know, before I came to yours…” jab, block, shift, uppercut, “…she looked like she had been crying…” side-step, jab, jab, duck, “…and she was boxing up everything in her apartment. Said she was moving…”

“Moving?” Bucky asked in surprise and was so distracted that he didn’t see Steve’s fist coming until it collided with his jaw and he was sent reeling back a few steps.

Almost absently, he clutched at the side of his face, relishing in the burning pain that coursed through his jaw. He let his hand rub his sore cheek a couple more times. The pain was absolutely exquisite. It felt as if it had eased some of the gut-wrenching guilt and misery that had been tearing up his insides until the moment. He had to try that again.

“Didn’t she tell you?” Steve asked as he crouched back into position. Bucky took the few steps back to the mat and readied for the next blow.

Bucky could only shake his head no as he watched Steve progress on him once more. Swing, block, swing, duck, jab, jab, kick, and Bucky flew backwards again, this time clutching at his stomach where Steve’s kick had met its target.

Nausea blossomed through his middle and he doubled over, gasping for breath. The internal pain, his turmoil, had subsided for a brief moment again as he fought against the bile rising in his throat. It worked.

He had to keep going. He had to make Steve hit him again. 

And again. 

And again. But how? He knew Steve better that Steve even knew Steve, and he knew that his friend wasn’t going to willingly aid him in this; he wasn’t the type to let his friend subject himself to this type of masochism. Steve would never be able to understand.

“I thought you two were close?” Steve questioned as he walked over to Bucky and held out a hand to help him up. Bucky swatted it away and pushed himself to his feet.

“I dunno…” Bucky responded slowly, his plan starting to formulate. “I mean, it’s not like I was really that close with any of the other girls I bedded. Why would she be any different?” Bucky’s fist swung towards Steve just slow enough that even in Steve’s confused state, he had no trouble blocking the blow.

“C’mon, Bucky, you know that’s not true. She’s your friend, isn’t she? You guys used to hang out all the time. She’s plenty different. She has substance, for starters,” Steve argued, starting to get just a tad bit heated. It was all in the eyes. Even though his movements were practiced and precise, it was in the eyes that held that fire that had gotten him into so many fights when they were younger.

Bucky had found the spark. Now, all he had to do was keep pressing this button, keep fueling this fire, and Steve would eventually lose control. If Bucky maybe started to act like a bully; maybe like a callous prick with no regard for anyone else, Steve would undoubtedly let his righteous anger reign over him.

“What is this, huh?” Bucky questions him carefully. “She knew what this was, what we were from the very beginning. She’s known that she has never been anything more than a warm body in my bed…and a willing hole to sink my co…”

Before Bucky could finish, pain burst across his face again, spreading its hot heat from the corner of his eye and down to his jaw. He landed hard on his side a few feet from where they had been standing earlier.

“Buck, I’m…” Steve looked almost apologetic for just a second, stepping towards Bucky with his hands in front of him, but Bucky had to keep it going.

“Oh, Stevie, don’t tell me I struck a nerve. Didn’t you want to hear exactly how warm and soft she when her silken walls grip my cock?”

Steve freezes and he gets a dangerous look in his eyes. This is what Bucky needed from him. Just a bit more and he’ll have it.

“Did I offend you? Or is it that you are jealous? Did you want poor, sweet, little Y/N all to yourself? At night, were you wishing it was your name she was screaming out when she came?”

Bucky knew this was all bullshit. Steve didn’t like you like that. And Steve wasn’t buying it. 

Try another tactic. 

“Or did you think that she was some special little princess that would eventually weasel her way into my cold, dead heart? Did you think she would be able to turn this retched beast back into a man?”

Bucky slowly pushed himself up from the ground, never breaking eye contact as he curled his lip up into a wicked smirk. 

“Don’t be so foolish, Steve. The only difference between her and everyone else I was with, is that she was the only one desperate enough to keep coming back.”

And like a moth to a flame, Steve launched himself across the short distance that was still between them. Bucky didn’t try to defend himself as Steve’s body collided with his and they tumbled backwards to the ground. He didn’t even lift his arms to block Steve’s wails when he straddled his waist and let blow after blow pound into every bit of him that Steve could reach. His friends’ fists were pummeling into the soft flesh and bone of Bucky’s face and neck and chest.

Steve was screaming and growling obscenities when out of nowhere, Sam had his arms around Steve’s chest and was pulling him backwards.

“No!” Bucky groaned as he tried to kick Sam off, despairingly needing Steve to finish the job; finish him off; put him out of his god damned misery.

But it was useless. Steve was forced off of him and Bucky just continued to lie on the ground, unmoving until he turned his head to spit out a mouthful of blood onto the concrete floor. He wasn’t prepared for the sight in front of him.

There you stood, with about a dozen other unfamiliar people dressed in professional attire. You were half-hidden behind Maria, who shifted to block you even more from view. There was a clipboard in your arms that you now had clutched tightly to your chest and from the looks of it you were on the verge of tears. It would appear that you had been there long enough to hear every cruel word he had said to Steve. And if the look on everyone else’s faces were enough to go on, they all had been witness to it as well.

Steve’s grunts as he fought against Sam’s hold were drowned out by the sound of his own heart thundering in his ears. He wasn’t able to take his eyes off of you; well, one eye at least, seeing as how the other was swollen nearly completely shut. It was hard to tell, but it looked like you had stopped breathing when your eyes met his. The hurt in your gaze was beyond measure.

Time was frozen until Maria finally moved, turning her face to the side so that she could see you out of the corner of her eye.

“Why don’t you go ahead and clock out for the day?” Maria suggested to you softly. “Maybe take a few days leave until…”

The words were barely out of her mouth before you were stumbling backwards, stepping on a couple people’s toes, and bolted from the room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a companion piece for the last chapter, but it didn't turn out to be exactly what I was planning but here it is! I hope you like it all the same. 
> 
> This one gets pretty dark I feel like, some real dark, self-destructive thoughts. But that's kinda been the warning for this whole piece so if you've made it this far I think you kinda know what to expect. 
> 
> There's some serious orgasm denial in this one. As well as language, like every chapter so beware of that!

The entire room was silent. A pin drop could be heard from 50 yards with the stillness that permeated the air of the gym. Not that it would have mattered. All Bucky could focus on was the ragged breaths burning inside his chest. Every eye in the room had shifted from the door you had just disappeared through, to him as he still laid there on the cold, concrete floor. 

Without saying a single word, Bucky finally managed to push himself up to his feet. He spared a quick glance at Steve to see him still fuming, chest heaving, but unmoving from his spot. He collected his gym bag and made for the door. As he expected, nobody tried to stop him; hell, at this point, Steve was the only one that was able to even look at him. 

Sam had loosened his grip on Steve, opting instead to stand in front of him, hands on his shoulders, and blocking the his path to Bucky. His normal, caring, kind, soft blue eyes were hard and full of fiery anger as they bore into Bucky’s. 

Bucky hung his head and strode towards the door. The dozen or so people that were still crowded just inside of t parted like the Red Sea, granting him his leave silently. 

Well, shit! How had everything become such a cluterfuck? Why couldn't anything he wanted ever be simple or easy?

Ok, so that one wasn't exactly going to be hard to answer. Nothing was ever simple or easy because that was not the life he was blessed with anymore. Maybe, as a young man, when he'd had the whole world figured out; maybe it had been back then, but not anymore. 

Every move he made, every action, every thought in his head was tainted with the complexity of his darkened, blood-soaked past. Instead of being able to live in a world of black and white, much how he imagined Steve's life must be, his was tinged with an unending amount of grey. 

This whole mess was only supposed to have driven you away from; it was supposed to have forced you to move on and onto someone more worthy and deserving of your affection and attention. Someone like Steve, who had his whole life figured out now. Steve could have given you the happy life and love that you deserved.

Is that what this was becoming now? A pity party because he wasn’t more like Steve? Was he jealous of Steve? Did he really want to be more like Steve?

Easy answer, yes, of course he did. Sure, Steve was dealt a tough hand and had it rougher than the average Joe, but he had the whole world laid out in front of him now. His heart was still as pure and driven as it has always been. His worst quality was that he had a knack for picking fights as he stood up for those who couldn't stand up for themselves. He always did the right thing and it seemed to come so easy to him. 

Bucky groaned when he was almost halfway home, realizing that the pain from his recent beating was already starting to subside. The sickening ache deep in his chest was returning as his physical ache eased. Darkness that felt like oozing venom, poisoning him from the inside out, was spreading and settling in his bones, momentarily slowing his steps.

Before all this, when he would start to feel the blackness starting to creep back, he would have called you, and without hesitation you had always been there. Without as much as a second thought, you'd be at his door and ready to provide him with the necessary care he always craved. 

But you wouldn’t be here this time, would you? You couldn’t be. Bucky couldn’t call you this time because currently, probably this very second, you’d locked yourself away in a small, dark alcove of the tower, crying and feeling worthless, pathetic, pitiful; all because of him. 

Would anyone else know where you were? Would anyone else offer to help you? Would there be anyone to pick up your broken pieces after the way he decimated you?

As if he needed any more demons to plague his guilty conscious tonight. 

Bucky was standing in his bedroom, unsure of his journey here as he had lost himself to his thoughts. What was he supposed to do now?

Well, like he’d thought earlier, this would be the point that he would have called you to come ‘help’ him. So, maybe start there. Only, this time, without you. If you had been here, you’d have taken charge, commanding him. And if he focused hard enough, he could almost hear your voice ringing in his ears.

 

His breath escaped his chest in a rush and his eyes, that he hadn’t realized he had shut, flew open. Sure enough, you weren’t standing there, but your voice was still in his head, telling him what to do.

 

Without further hesitation, he yanked his sweaty tee shirt off by the back of the neck and tossed it to the corner of the room. Next were his sweatpants and underwear as he stepped out of those and kicked them away. Closing his eyes, he waited for your voice to speak to him again. He held his breath and thought that maybe it wouldn’t happen again. It was crazy, right?

But just as he exhaled, you spoke to him again.

 

He nodded to nobody but himself before walking into his bathroom. Almost on autopilot, he stepped into the shower and turned on the water full blast. The cold nearly took his breath away, but he endured, stayed unmoving until the water finally started to warm. He adjusted the knob until the temperature was almost too hot to stand. His previous aches started to throb under the scalding heat, but soon started to relax and ease even further.

Here, he waited again until your voice rang in his ears.

 

He did exactly as you instructed him to. Taking the bottle of wash, he squirted a generous amount of the gel into the palm of his hand and spread it sloppily across his chest. His other hand joined it, rubbing slow circles until it was appropriately sudsy and then moved on to his shoulders and down each arm. The tension was releasing little by little and he felt his shoulders sag as his body started to relax.

 

He hadn’t realized he had stopped washing himself until he started back up again. He worked his hands a few more times over his chest and then down towards his belly. Your voice purred in his ears as he continued down his hips and brushed against his hardening erection. He hissed and pulled back.

 

Holding his breath, Bucky gingerly palmed his length before wrapping his thick fingers around the shaft and slowly pumped himself a couple times, teasingly. The moan erupted from his mouth before he had a chance to fight it.

 

Your name fell from his lips desperately as he nodded his head eagerly. His eyes were still shut and he let his head fall back, already so desperate to come. Especially since he could still see your perfect, soaking wet body displayed before him. 

“It's yours, baby, it's all yours. Always been yours,” Bucky groaned as he started thrusting into his hand as it still pumped quickly. 

 

Bucky's hand flew off his erection and fisted it by his side. He had only been a few strokes from his release and his cock twitched in frustration as it urged to be touched again. But he knew better than to move.

 

“Just you, only you,” Bucky grunted as he brought his head down, eyes still closed, face towards the floor. 

 

Without giving it another thought, Bucky finished his washing, mindful not to get too close to the bobbing erection between his legs. After working quick to shampoo and rinse his long hair, he shook off the excess water and stepped out of the shower. The towel he used to dry off with was coarse and irritable against his over-stimulated skin. 

All was quiet as he quickly finished drying and walked out of his bathroom. Bucky paused in the doorway and let his gaze fall over his bed. For the first time, he noticed that the blankets and sheets were still rumpled and on the floor from when you had been here last night. 

He walked over to the sheet that you'd had wrapped around your body, now discarded in a heap, and brought the soft material up to his face. It still smelled like your perfume you'd worn to the party. He inhaled the scent again with a deep breath and held it in his heat, as if he were still able to hold on to a part of you. But when his lungs started to ache, he had to let it out. 

Then, you spoke to him again. 

 

In just one long stride, he was now crawling on the mattress, settling in the center of it on his knees but resting back on his haunches. He released the sheet beside of him, keeping it close.

 

Bucky shifted until his bare back was resting against the cool hardness of his headboard. His legs stretched out in front of him and he held his hands by his side, waiting for you. And just like in the shower, you appeared before him again, except this time, you looked just as you had last night. Your hair was sex rumpled and your skin was flushed and glowing.

Your position mirrored his as you leant back against the footboard, facing him, mirroring his position. You were facing him and had your legs stretched out between both of his. 

My God, you were so beautiful. The way you appeared to him right now was the way he always imagined you. You looked so wild and free and absolutely divine. There was something so ethereal about your aura when he had you in bed like this. You were a goddess and he thanked his lucky stars every time you bore yourself to him.

 

And he did. Bucky's hand came to his aching dick and slowly pumped it in his fist. You seemed pleased as he watched your own hands start to skim over your supple form. He watched as your delicate fingers plucked at your nipple while the other hand skimmed lightly along your other side. Your finger tips were teasing their way towards your clenched thighs and Bucky was mesmerized. 

 

“Yes, p-please…” Bucky begged as he continued to pump harder over his cock. His end was fast approaching yet again. 

 

He watches your hand slip between your thighs as they widen just enough to show your glistening folds. He's pumping faster now, more forcefully; not being easy on himself by any means as he rushes to finish. 

 

And just as the word is thought, he pulls off and clenches his fists into the sheet underneath him. His eyes slam shut, throws his head back and curses under his breath. Every muscle in his core tenses and his hips threaten to buck up off the bed. His entire body is thrown into chaos when its climax was so close, yet denied. It takes several long seconds of deep breathing before he starts to calm. When he’s satisfied that he’s in control of himself again, he opens his eyes. 

There you still sit, but not really; watching him, but not really. Your fingers are still teasing between your folds and one finger twirls around your clit. He can hear you moan as you finally slip two fingers into your slick entrance and throw your head back. His eyes are glued to you as you please yourself, relishing in this torment as his hands stay by his sides. 

 

It takes a great amount of focus to relax his fingers from their tight grasp on the cotton clenched in his fist. His fingers are trembling when they wrap around his cock yet again. A quiet hiss escapes when he realizes how close he still is to orgasm. It'll take only a couple more thrusts into his hand before he's coming. 

 

“Ahhhhh!” Bucky screams as he throws his head back harshly against the headboard in frustration and moves his hands to his sides. Just like before. 

 

Your body is crawling up the bed now over his. He can almost feel your heat radiating as you hover just inches above him. You've settled on his lap, your ass just above his knees, your legs bent under you, but he can't feel your comforting weight. Because it's not you, you're not really there. 

 

He can see your bright eyes shining into his, looking so sweet and tempting as you always do. Your face is so close to his now, and your body is leaning just slightly towards him as you place your hands above your knees to support yourself. 

 

Bucky whimpers. His bottom lip actually trembles as he starts rubbing himself again. Now, the feeling isn’t one of pleasure. The sensation is near torturous because of how sensitive he is. He dreads the warmth of his hand on his aching cock, knowing that he’s not going to be allowed to find relief tonight.

Tears have started to form in the corner of his eyes and a couple have even dripped down his cheeks as he shakily pumps his aching, throbbing dick. When his palm works over the sensitive head, he cries out and bucks up off the bed. 

 

He's not going to come tonight. He knew that before he started this game. This was his punishment for hurting you the way that he had to. This was his penance for devastating you like he needed to. 

Penance. What a funny thing to think. As if there would be any way possible to pay for how he had hurt you. As if there were any way to atone for this ugliest sin. 

Bucky was as close to crying as he had ever been as he fisted his hands beneath him. His chest shook with the urge to sob and every muscle in his body constricted as if they were all individually fighting against him. 

A blood curdling scream left his lips and the dam finally broke. The tears streamed down his cheeks and he slowly rolled to his side, curling in on himself and clutching the sheets that still smelled like you. He sobbed heavily into his pillow and laid there until the early morning sunlight shifted from one side of the room to the other and then faded from the room altogether, letting the darkness consume him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one I almost didn't want to write, but it's prevalent to the story and vital info in here, so it had to be included. There's no warnings I can think of. Sam finds you in a bar after the incident in the gym and convinces you it might be time to talk to someone about what's happening. That's the best summary I can give right now.

The bar was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday evening. You'd been here for a couple hours now and the crowd hadn't grown all that much as you watched from your worn out barstool. The amber liquid was burning less and less with every sip you took from the tumbler in front of you.

Was this your 7th? Maybe 8th? You've been here too long now and your drinks were starting to blur together. 

It's been a long time since you've drank this much. You'd made it a point since you’d left your early-twenties that you would be more mature, more responsible, less...drunk. 

But tonight, oh boy, tonight you were going to do whatever you could to numb this agony residing deep in your chest. Bucky's words were so fresh as they replayed in your ears over and over. 

“...only one desperate enough to keep coming back…”

Well, if he hadn't hit the nail right on the head with that one, huh? You were desperate. You were pathetic. You were not worthy. You were weak. 

That's all you could think about since you'd ran crying from the gym after he'd said all those terrible things. Well, that, and the look on everyone's face when they all realized that he had been talking about you. Their gazes were searing as you tried to curl into yourself, away from their pitying glances. Their silent judgment was almost too much to take before Maria finally sent you out, giving you an escape. 

The bartender returned with another drink and sat it in front of you with a smirk. He pointed out a dark haired gentleman across the bar and informed you that he'd just bought it for you. 

He was a decent looking guy with a nice smile, so you accepted and raised your glass in his direction before taking a nice long drink, swallowing half its contents in one go.

The man took it as a welcoming gesture to approach you and soon you found yourself forcing a smile as he took a seat on the leather stool next to yours. 

This could be just what you needed tonight. This man could be the distraction you were looking for. Maybe he could give you a little boost to your self esteem. He looked the type that could maybe give you some pretty mediocre sex. Maybe you'd get off if you did most of the work, but it'd definitely be a lift to your current circumstances. He might even make you feel good about yourself for a few short minutes. 

“Hi. I'm Tim,” he offered as he extended his hand out to shake yours. 

That's a bit odd for a random bar hook up, isn't it? But you weren't going to be rude, so you grasped his hand with yours and told him your name. 

“Are you from around here?” He asked politely, but you weren't in the mood. 

“Pardon my brashness, but do you really care about where I'm from?” You tried your best to sound cool and clear-minded, but your words still slurred just a bit more than you liked. You pressed on anyway, hoping he wouldn't notice. 

The brunette, Tim, his eyes widened briefly. It seems he wasn't prepared for your response. 

“I'm sorry,” you continued. “I'm not trying to be rude. Please, forgive me. It's been a rough day. I only meant that I'm sure you didn't just buy me this moderately expensive glass of whiskey to ask me where I grew up, did you?”

Tim opened his mouth to respond but floundered before he eventually ducked his head slightly, looking properly embarrassed. 

“I'm not judging,” you continued as you placed a gentle hand on his forearm that rested on the counter next to yours. “And I'm definitely not refusing. After all, I did accept your drink and all the connotations that come along with doing such.”

He looked up, looking a bit more hopeful and with a small smile tugging at his lips. 

“What I'm trying to say is, Tim, do you want to try to force small talk in this smoky, dingy bar, buy a couple more rounds, risk me drinking far too much and throwing up all over your nice car on the way to your place; or would you like to cut straight to the chase and come home with me right now?” 

You didn't break eye contact as he stared unblinkingly at you, trying to discern if you were for real. Just as he was about to answer, the two of you were interrupted by a long, heavy arm draping itself across your shoulder. 

“Hey there friend,” the smooth, familiar voice of Sam spoke from above you. “I'm sure this was gonna be a killer evening and you thought that you were about to hit the jackpot, and let me confirm for you that you absolutely were cause my girl here is quite the catch, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cut this evening short. I need my buddy here for some official, unofficial Avenger business. I'm sure you can understand.”

Tim nodded, wide-eyed. It would seem that the poor man was in awe that The Falcon was actually speaking to him. 

“What a good sport, man. Here, let me buy your next drink,” Sam chuckled and patted the guy on the shoulder before he was pulling his wallet out a depositing several bills on the counter. “This, I hope, will cover my girls tab here, yeah?” He looked to the bartender who appeared as soon as Sam came up to you. 

The man behind the bar took the cash, counted the bills, and then nodded his head in satisfaction before folding it and putting it in his front pocket. “My man!” Sam exclaimed, giving the guy a set of finger guns before he guided you up from your seat and towards the exit. 

“What are you doing here Sam?” You scolded, slurring his name. You were miffed that he'd cock blocked you and as much as you had wanted to stay, you knew it was pointless to fight against him. 

“You are too drunk and too upset to be going home with anyone but me tonight,” he said with a teasing smile playing among his lips. 

“Saaaammm,” you groaned as he pushed you out into the cool night air. You closed your eyes and inhaled the sweet, fresh scent of the clean air. It did little to sober you, but it was marginally more pleasant than the stale second hand smoke you'd been inhaling the past couple hours. 

“Y/n,” he mock groaned right back as he continued to push you towards the car. 

“But I was having fun! Why can't I go back? Maybe a little drunk action is exactly what I need,” you argued with a pout as you turned to face him, stopping you both in the middle of the vacating parking lot. 

“Nobody needs whatever that was going to be, I can promise you that much.”

“How would you know what I need?” You asked more seriously. “And how do you know that it wouldn't help?”

“All you were going to get from that guy in there is a headache and a morning-after full of regret and self-loathing. What you need right now is half a bottle of aspirin and about a gallon of water. A good night's sleep wouldn't hurt you either,” Sam said compassionately as he took you by the shoulders and looked you in the eye. It always unnerved you the way he made you feel like he could see straight into the deepest, darkest parts of you. It made you feel raw; vulnerable. 

You stopped your weak resisting and let him lead you to the car and buckle you into the passenger seat. The ride was silent for a few minutes and you were starting to wonder where he was taking you before you recognized the route was leading to your apartment. 

“Do you wanna talk about what happened today?” Sam asked softly, glancing your way out of the corner of his eye. 

“I wouldn't know where to begin,” you confessed after a quiet moment. 

“How about with the way Barnes insinuated that you two were sleeping together for a while now,” he offered and you couldn't help the hitch in your breathing when Sam said his name. 

You only shook your head no and begged the tears not to fall; not yet, please just wait till we are alone. 

“You don't have to talk, sweetheart.” He said softly as he placed a warm hand on your knee and squeezed comfortingly. “I just wanted to let you know I was here if you needed someone.”

You nodded and swiped at a lone tear that slowly seeped down to your cheek. Silence spread between the two of you as he continued to drive to your place. It only took a couple more minutes before you couldn't hold yourself back any longer. 

“Sam, what's wrong with me?” You whispered so soft, you were sure he hadn't heard you. 

“What?” He asked as he furrowed his brow. 

“Buc...he w-wasn't happy with me. I t-thought that if I tried h-hard enough, I could be enough to m-make him happy...I thought I w-was good for him, I tried s-so h-hard.. he hates m-m-me…” you stuttered and then lost the battle against your tears you you started sobbing. 

You didn't feel the car stop until both of Sam's hands were cupping your cheeks and urging you to look up at him. He didn't speak until you opened your puffy eyes to look at his. The warm, dark brown of his iris’ calmed you slightly. 

“Don't you ever think that anything he said was true. It wasn't. Of course it wasn't. I don't understand why he said what he did, but I can tell you that you are one of the best people I know. You are wicked smart, hella funny, unbelievably kind, and way too good to be messing with someone as stupid and self-centered as frostbite. 

“But, even so, maybe it might do you some good to talk to someone about everything that's going on.”

You flinched at his words and he released his hands from your face, now placing one on your knee again and you stared down at it. 

You'd always hated the idea of talking to a therapist. Not that you bought into the whole stigma of being crazy if you needed to see one; you just thought that they were reserved for those who truly needed counseling. If you talked to anyone, you knew all they'd say is to buck up and smile more. It should be that easy of a fix, shouldn't it?

Sam felt you tense and gave you a minute before he gently pushed forward with the conversation. 

“I'm not gonna pretend like I know what is really happening between you and Barnes, but my guess is that it runs a lot deeper than either of you are letting on. I mean, obviously it's got you rattled enough to be drinking away all common sense and thinking with your downstairs brain.”

You let out a huff of a chuckle and looked up to see Sam with that teasing smirk he wore so well. You gave him a small smile before your mouth fell into a pout and you were looking down at your shoes again. 

“Can't I just talk to you? I don't like talking to new people.” You murmured towards the ground, unsure if he'd even be able to hear what you said. 

“You can talk to me anytime, you know that. I'll always be here for you, you're one of my best friends. But I'm not qualified to deal with whatever is happening. It wouldn't hurt to talk to an actual professional with training and fancy degrees specializing in relationships with brooding superheroes,” he said with another small smile. 

“Cut the shit, Sam,” you shot back with a small smirk. 

“Cutting the shit. All shit is cut. Let's have some real talk. I know a guy, I'll give you his number, you should at least go in for a consultation. What harm would it do?” He urged, eyes wide and unblinking, almost begging you to accept. “I'm not a doctor and I'm not your father so I can't tell you what to do one way or the other, but you are my friend and I know that look in your eyes. It would make me feel better knowing that you at least give it a shot. Go talk at least once. If you don't like it, I won't bring it up anymore.”

“Would you go with me?” You whispered as you peered up at him through your eyelashes. 

“If it means you'll go, absolutely, count me in,” Sam assured with a warm smile.

You smiled back, feeling just a little bit better. At least you still had friends who would always have your back. Even if you didn't think you deserved them. 

“So,” you cleared your throat before shaking your hair out of your face and turning to look at him full on. “I think you owe me an evening filled with distraction and mild disappointment. Care to join me for pizza and bad tv?”

Sam laughed, throwing his head back and laughed with his whole body. “Yeah, I'm down.”

He stayed for a short Netflix marathon and two large greasy pizzas. Thankfully, he said nothing about the dozens of boxes and trash bags placed throughout your living space, your sparse furnishings, as well as your bare mattress leaning against the wall in your hallway. You could see the questions burning behind his eyes, but he kept them to himself, only laughing at the cheesy sitcom periodically. 

Eventually, he left your apartment, but only after you assured him you were going to be alright on your own. He was right not to believe you so easily, sensing your unease at the prospect of being alone, but you eventually pushed him out the door and heaved a deep sigh. 

The card with the number Sam gave you was in your hand. The thought of trashing it crossed your mind, but the guilt of disappointing Sam after he'd been so good to you kept you from doing so. It wasn't right to do him like that after you promised you'd give it a try. 

Using a magnet, you placed the card on your fridge with a mental note to call first thing Monday morning. You walked to your bedroom, opting to go straight to bed without a shower. 

Well, bed wasn't exactly the right word to use. You were heading for the couch since it was the only soft surface big enough to lay on. It may not have been ideal, but you preferred it to the cold, hard floor you fell asleep on the night before. 

It was a restless sleep, but what else were you expecting? Since you'd walked out of his apartment, you'd been uneasy and troubled. Why would you think tonight would be any different? Sure, your makeshift bed was a little comfier, but your mind was plagued with the hurtful words that spewed from Bucky's mouth earlier that day. 

He had been right, hadn't he. There was no doubt about it. If you'd had any self-respect at all, you wouldn't have let him keep using you like he had been. If you valued yourself even the tiniest bit, you'd have been able to see that he wasn't good for you. You took care of him, gave him everything he needed, and let him use you like a cheap trinket he so easily disposed of, and delusionally called it love.

And yeah, ok, it may have actually been love; you knew you loved him even still, but you didn't love yourself. Not anymore. 

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to give therapy an honest try. 

Monday finally came and with trembling fingers, you dialed the number Sam gave you. The conversation was quick and you had an appointment for a consultation set up for that afternoon as there was an unexpected opening in his schedule. You texted Sam and he promised to pick you up so he could drive you over himself. 

As you sat in the doctor's waiting room, your leg bounced uncontrollably as your nerves started to take over. Sam laid his hand gently on your knee and gave you a reassuring squeeze. 

“Everything's going to be just fine. You don't need to worry. He's a good guy, I promise,” Sam assured just like he already had a hundred times before going back to flipping through his magazine. 

The door opened and your name was called. Sam shot you an encouraging smile and pushed you gently from your seat. You took a deep breath and walked through the door. 

“Please, have a seat,” a man with curly brown hair and glasses said as he stood by his own chair and gestured towards the couch facing him that sat along the wall. “Make yourself comfortable.”

You took a seat and fiddled with the head of your skirt, taking in deep breaths as you tried to quell the nausea starting to settle in. 

“There's no need to be so nervous,” he assured with a sympathetic smile. “Today is all about getting to know each other a little bit. My name is Dr Theodore Grey, but feel free to call me Ted or Teddy or whatever you feel most comfortable with. Most call me Ted or Dr T.” 

“I'm Y/N...but I guess you already knew that since you just called me back here,” you said as you grumbled and buried your face in your hands. 

Well, that was a great way to start off this meeting. 

He only chuckled politely before he continued. 

“Well, Y/N, let me tell you what's going to happen today and maybe you'll be able to relax a bit. This is only a consult, as you already know. I want to get to know you a little so we can determine if my services are best suited for your needs, and then we can proceed from there. You never have to share any more than you are ever comfortable with and I'll never push you to share anything you're not ready to. That's not how our relationship is going to work. Sessions usually last 45 minutes and, depending on the individual need of each patient, appointments are usually made weekly.”

You nodded and finally looked up to see that he was smiling kindly back at you. For the first time since you entered the building, you could finally take a decent breath and gave him a weak smile of your own. 

“Why don't we kick this party off, ok? Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?” He asked once more and sat back in his chair, taking a casual position as if you were merely old friends catching up with one another. 

The next half hour passed quicker than you realized as the two of you had fallen into an easy conversation. You hadn't realized that you'd done most of the talking as he listened and nodded at all appropriate times, involved just enough to give the illusion that this was nothing more than a casual conversation.

When the screen of his phone started flashing silently, signaling the end of your appointment, he stood as you did and shook your hand. 

“I would like to see you again at the end of the week if that would suit you. I have an opening on Thursday evenings that I'd like to fill with our appointments.”

You nodded and shook his hand in return, smiling easily and feeling a lot lighter than you did when you first entered his office. 

“I think we'll be good friends, Y/N. I've got a good feeling about you,” Dr T said with a bright smile and walked you to the lobby. He shook hands with Sam and they chatted as you officially scheduled your appointment with his secretary. 

“How'd it go?” Sam asked as soon as you walked out the double doors that led towards the exit. 

“It was alright. He seems nice. I come back on Thursday.” Your voice was quiet but you noticed your time was lighter. It was as if your gloomy demeanor had already started to dissipate. 

Sam pulled you into a side hug as you two walked towards the parking lot. 

Thursday comes and you find yourself sitting on the couch across from Dr T again. It's so easy to talk as he delicately navigates and steers your conversation towards certain topics without making it seem intentional. There's no notepad or pen, no note taking at all on his part as you expected. He does, however, have a tape recorder on his desk that records the conversation, but as it sits out of direct eyesight, it's easy to forget about. 

Bucky finally comes up in conversation and you freeze. Your heart hammers in your chest and your palms start to sweat. Dr T is careful as he directs the conversation back to a safer topic and you start to breath normally again. 

By the end of the appointment, Bucky is brought up once more and you're able to talk more about your situation with him this time since you were expecting it. A few suggestions are made by the dr and as you leave, you are mulling over a few suggested options. 

Sam's name brightens the screen on your phone as you are walking back to your car and you answer with a smile. 

“So, how was it?” He asks enthusiastically. 

“It was really good. I got a lot off my chest today,” you offered. 

“Is that it? Is that all I get?” Sam sounds offended but you know he's just teasing. 

“I'll tell you all about it over dinner. Wanna meet somewhere for burgers?” You suggest as you get in the car. 

“Sure. I'll leave right now,” he says as you hear shuffling in the background. 

“Great. I'll see you in a bit.”

 

“So, you ready to tell me what's going on?” Sam asked as we wiped his hands with the napkin and wadded it up, depositing it beside his empty plate on the table between the two of you. “You've kept me in suspense long enough. What's with this look you've had since I got here?” He gestured to your face before furrowing his brow in concern. 

“What look?” You scoff, doing your best to school your features into what you hoped was a neutral expression. 

“Oh please! You look like someone kicked your puppy! What's wrong?” He asked softly. 

“I'm moving,” you whispered; your eyes darting up to meet his briefly. His own widened and he took in a deep breath. “Temporarily,” you added. 

It was silent for a long few seconds as Sam only continued to stare at you. There had to be a million questions on the tip of his tongue, but he never parted his lips. 

“Dr T suggested that it might be a good idea to get away from here for a bit. Get some space and take some time for myself to heal and work on me. I've got some...issues that I need to work through. I've got to talk to Hill about it, but I'm sure she can replace me for a while.” You looked down to your clenched hands that were folded together in your lap. 

“Is this about…” Sam started, but you cut him off. 

“No! No, I promise. This is about me. I was so willing to bleed myself dry to make someone else happy, telling myself that he deserved it more than I did. Now, I'm not saying he's not a piece of shit for what happened; for taking advantage of me like that, but I can't focus on that. Right now, this, what I do from here on out, I have to focus on the fact that I completely lost myself in that relationship. Talking with Dr T has brought to light some harsh truths about myself that I need to focus on.”

You were finally able to look up at Sam to see he was still wearing that concerned look, but it turned hard. Your own brow furrowed as you stared back at him now. After another second, he sighed and released a deep breath he'd been holding. Both his warm hands draped over yours. 

“Are you sure you don't want me to rough him up a bit? It's not like he wouldn't deserve it. Hell, I'm pretty sure at this point I could even convince Steve to ship B...him off halfway across the world right now and leave him. I don't want to lose you, Y/N.”

You slid one of your hands out from under his to place it on top and slide your thumb tenderly across his knuckles. 

“You're not losing me, Sam. I promise. I just need some time to figure out who I am after all this again. I lost my way a bit and now I've got to find me again. It'll be like an extended vacation. It's not like I don't have the time saved up.” You chuckled half-heartedly. 

“How long?” He asked softly, never taking his worried eyes off of your face. 

“I don't know. However long it takes, I guess. 6 Months? Maybe a year? I'm not sure how long something like this takes, but I do know I can't be here right now.”

Sam looked down to your joined hands and gave a small, sad smile. 

“If this is what you need, sweetheart, then I'll stand behind you all the way. You're my friend and I love you and I'll help you any way that I can.”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling back when you were able to catch his eye. “And thank you. Really. I don't know where I'd be without my friends.”

“With any luck, you'll never have to find out,” Sam smiled and pulled away, stretching his back a bit before standing up. “Cmon, I say it's time for some ice cream.”

With an enthusiastic smile, you stood and the two of you walked out of the restaurant. 

It took less than a week to find a subletter for your apartment and have all your important stuff moved into storage. Your leave had been approved and Maria had promised that you'd have a job whenever you decided to come back. There was no real destination that you had in mind for where you'd go, but you knew that it had to be a different time zone; maybe even a different continent. 

That'd be something, wouldn't it? Maybe you could move to Europe for a while. It's a thought you'd entertained before. Maybe you could finally visit Paris like you'd always dreamt of when you were a kid. This was the time to do all of the things you'd always wanted to. There was nothing to stop you now. 

Pulling your suitcase behind you and your backpack on your back, you maneuvered through the traffic of people crowded in the airport until you made your way to the kiosk. 

“How can I help you today?” The pretty brunette behind the counter asked as you approached. 

You smiled back, eager to see what was in store for you now.


	8. Chapter 8

1 Year, 2 Months, and 16 days have passed since you had last stepped foot in New York, and here you were again, finally back home.

It was an odd feeling, being back at the tower, surrounded by all the familiar, yet unfamiliar backdrop of your previous work environment. You stood in the lobby, staring up at the high ceilings with a box of your belongings meant to go in your office in your arms. It felt as if no time had passed since you had last entered this building, but, at the same time, it felt as if it had been another lifetime

And in a way, for you, it was. You were a different person than you were before. It had taken weekly, sometimes biweekly, sessions with a psychologist that you saw the whole time you had been away. It had been tough, learning to love yourself after years and years of self-deprecation and self-doubt about your worth, but here you stood, stronger, braver, and more confident that you'd ever felt before in your whole life. 

You were excited to be starting this chapter of your life again, still new and filled with limitless possibilities. You were excited to be starting back at your old job that you had loved and sorely missed during your time abroad. You were most excited, though, to see your friends again. 

Without meaning to, you had let communication die out with your friends and loved ones during your ‘vacation’ as you like to refer to it as; it was far less depressing that way. Luckily, everyone seemed to understand the path you were heading down and supported you completely, even though it meant letting you distance yourself from everything from your old life for just a little while. It had only been a month since you started communicating with Maria about coming back to work. After that, you had started to slowly reach out to all your friends and family once more. 

Of course, Sam had been the most enthusiastic about your return. He had even been the one to pick you up from the airport, all wide smiles and big bear hugs as you ran into his arms. He helped you settle into your new apartment after you finally let go of your old one. This one was a little bigger, a little newer, and a lot closer to work.

It was a nice walk to work this morning, the 8 blocks between your new home and the tower was a breeze in the cool, fall weather. Even the box of stuff in your arms couldn’t slow you down as you made your way towards your first official day back to work. You rode the elevator to your floor, smiling politely at those who were riding with you and everyone you passed. It was going to be a great day. You could feel it in your bones. 

At least, that’s how you were feeling up until your eyes met with those familiar blue ones that you saw every night as you laid in bed, yearning for sleep. Your steps faltered, causing you to nearly trip, but thankfully, you’d been able to recover before anyone had noticed. Well, anyone, but him. He’d seen you. Those blue eyes didn’t blink since the second they saw you.

There stood Bucky, accompanied by Steve and Sam as they all came out of a conference room that was conveniently only 3 doors up from your new office. He seemed to be frozen to his spot, just as you were now. Time must have stopped. The world had to have stopped spinning. Everything around the two of you had faded away into nothingness, leaving only you and him standing, unmoving, mere feet away from each other.

You’d expected that at some point during the day, your paths would cross and you would eventually have to talk to him. Not that you had been dreading it. Quite the contrary; you had been excited, albeit a bit anxious about how the reunion would play out. All the pages of dialogue that you’d practiced over and over in your head, prepared weeks earlier, had suddenly faded from your memory and you stood there, dumbstruck.

Oh God, how was it possible that you had forgotten how utterly and devastatingly beautiful he was? Every single day that had passed, you had thought about him, yet your memories had failed to do him justice. The way he stood there before you, now you remembered the pull he had over you. It caught you off guard just as it always did, even after all this time. He was still able to steal the breath from your chest and cause an eruption of fluttering butterflies through your belly.

Not once since you’d left had you felt any ill-will towards Bucky. Not once did you blame him for anything that happened between the two of you. Maybe it was foolish. Maybe you were still blinded by love, but that was your truth. It was impossible for you to curse him for anything that played out between you. After all, when it’s all said and done, it was you that had let all these things happen over and over and over again. You were always the one to run back for more.

But that’s not who you were anymore. That version of you was dead. Now, you were strong and vibrant and you could value how important and special you were as an individual. The girl you used to be would never define who you had built yourself up to be now.

But damn it all to Hell, if you still didn’t love Bucky after all this time and heartbreak.

Steve and Sam had yet to notice their friend had stopped following them until they were nearly in front of you. One look at you and they glanced back to see Bucky still standing just outside the door of the now empty conference room. Steve called his name, breaking you both from your trance. Steve turned back to you with a bright smile on his face before pulling you into a hug. 

“It's so good to see you again!” Steve exclaimed as he wrapped both his big, burly arms around your shoulders. You weren't able to return it, seeing as how you were already hugging a box to your chest, so you settled you resting your cheek on his shoulder instead. “Sam said you were coming back, but I didn't realize it'd be this soon,” he said as he pulled away from you and watched you shift the box in your arms. “Here, let me take that for you.”

Steve took it from your arms and you gave them a little shake to loosen up before Sam had wrapped you up in a hug too. 

“You just saw me a couple days ago, Sam. This is totally unnecessary,” you grumbled dramatically, but smiled when he released you. 

“And I missed you every second, love!” Sam declared equally as dramatic before he swung you up off your feet and around in a circle before placing you back on the floor. 

You chanced a glance at Bucky again to see he had ducked his head, but continued to peek up at you through his lashes, almost bashfully. He heaved a deep breath and walked up to stand just behind the guys. Your heart stuttered and warmed at the soft look he was giving you. 

Sensing the reason behind your lack of response, Sam continued on. 

“We should catch up,” He suggested as he tapped Steve on the chest with the flick of his elbow with the back of his hand. Steve nodded eagerly. “Let us treat you to lunch, you can tell us about your adventures with your ‘journey of self-discovery’.” Sam chuckled and you gently punched his arm at his attempt to tease you. “You free?” He continued as he easily swatted your blow away, smiling. He stepped back just a bit and placed his hand on his hips, unintentionally hiding half of Bucky’s body behind his.

Your eyes snapped up to his warm, brown ones, not realizing you’d let your gaze fall to Bucky again until just now. Sighing you replied,

“I can’t today. I’ve got a working lunch with Hill. She’s trying to catch me up on everything while I was out ‘discovering myself’” you pursed your lips in a half pout after teasing Sam about the words he’d just used concerning your absence.

“What about tonight? Beer and pizza?” Steve suggested. 

“Uh, yeah that should be good,” you said thoughtfully and then smiled. 

“What time? 6 good?” Sam asked. 

“I've got a thing...an appointment… it's in the building, and I can't reschedule. Can we make it 7? Maybe 7:30 to be safe?” You eyed both Sam and Steve apologetically, but they both broke into wide smiles. 

“That works for me,” Sam exclaimed enthusiastically before wrapping you up in another hug. 

“Here, let me take that, Steve,” you said as you gestured for him to give you back the box in his hands.

“Are you sure? I can pack it to your office for you,” Steve offered, but you shook your head and insisted it wasn’t necessary.

“I’m just down at the end of the hall, I got this under control. Thank you, though,” you said as you took the box from his hands and shifted it until it was comfortably against your chest again.

“Alright then. I guess we’ll see you this evening. How’s that spot down on the corner sound to you?” Steve asked. “They’ve got the best cheese bread.” He was practically salivating.

“Sounds great. Can't wait.” You smiled as you answered, glancing briefly at Bucky who was looking up at you now. 

Steve and Sam made to walk away, making it a few yards before they realized Bucky hadn't been following them. Both turned around, looks of concern etchings their faces. You waved them off with the flick of your fingers and turned back to where Bucky still stood, staring worriedly at you. Both guys relaxed a bit and continued walking, but slowed their pace considerably, finding every reason in the world to pause their trek every few steps. It seemed that a flickering light above their heads had captured their interest. You knew they wanted to be close in case there was a blow up between you two and you couldn’t fight the smile from your lips, loving how protective your friends were.

“Hey,” you croaked, finally breaking the thick, tense silence. 

“Hey. You're back,” Bucky said, putting his hands in his pockets and shrugging his shoulders forward, barely able to meet your eyes, but you're glad when he did. You had missed that piercing blue gaze more than you’d ever admit to anyone else.

“It would appear so, wouldn't it,” you teased, giving him a small smirk which made him lighten up a bit. 

“You’ve let your hair grow out,” he mused.

“So have you,” you countered as he pulled a hand out of his pocket and carded his fingers through his dark locks. 

“Yeah, it would appear so, wouldn't it,” he repeated your words back to you with a teasing smile of his own. “It's really good to see you,” he added sheepishly, the smile fading from his lips as he furrowed his brow. It would appear that he was feeling just as nervous as you were.

You smiled sincerely for the first time, feeling some of your anxiety fading as he returned the gesture tenfold. God, you had missed the way his whole face lit up when he let himself really and truly smile.

“Yeah, it’s real good to see you too, Buck. I-” you paused, contemplating about whether you should say this next bit or not. What the hell, what's the point in keeping it in if it were true, right? “I've missed you.”

That last bit came out as a whisper. You hadn't meant to sound so shaky and unsure, but it would be a lie if you didn't admit to feeling nervous again as you waited for his reaction. 

And he didn't surprise you as you watched his eyes widen and his breath catch in his chest. The air from your own lungs seemed to have been pulled out the longer you waited for his response. Maybe it was only seconds; maybe it was several minutes; you couldn't be sure, but you did know that it was too stressful to stand here, waiting. 

“I'm sorry,” you whispered as you shifted the box in your arms, looking down at its contents thoughtfully before glancing up once more for just a second.

You walked around Bucky, purposefully making your way as far from the scene you'd just ruined as quickly as possibly yet careful not to draw anymore unwanted attention to yourself. Maybe you'd made it ten steps before you heard is voice ringing out from behind. 

“I-I missed you too,” he called out softly. 

Turning quickly to face him once more, you only saw the back of his head as he retreated and joined Steve and Sam who were both waiting at the end of the hallway. When they all got on the elevator, you watched until they disappeared behind the metal doors. You found your office and thumped your box onto your new desk and collapsed with a heavy sigh into the leather computer chair. 

The day passed just as you had imagined it would; long and uneventful. You'd sat through a dozen boring meetings and spent every second of your down time reading files and binders filled with notes concerning everything you'd missed. 

An alarm you'd set on your phone started ringing, alerting you that it was 5:45; time to pack up and head to your appointment. The new therapist you'd start seeing now was conveniently in the building. It seemed that the higher ups thought it best to have an in-house psychologist or two to be available for the team and agents to see as needed. 

You’d made it to the office with ten minutes to spare so you took a seat in one of the leather backed chairs that sat closest to the sign-in desk. Just as you’d started flipping through one of the magazines that sat on the coffee table in front of you, the door opened and out walked no one other than Bucky fucking Barnes, catching you off guard for yet the second time today when least expected.

You froze as your eyes met. Yours widened in surprise and his looked downcast, almost as if he were embarrassed. His head fell a fraction and you rose to your feet, taking a step in his direction.

“Hey,” you whispered and took another slow step in his direction when he didn’t move away from your advance.

“Hey,” he mumbled as he shoved his fists into his jacket pockets and slumped his shoulders just like he had done when you’d seen him earlier.

“So…” you’d started, ducking your own head for a minute as you thought about your words before you looked up to see him staring thoughtfully at you. “How long have you been...you know…” you nodded your head towards the door he just emerged from.

“Oh, yeah, I’ve been coming here a little over a year now. Since you...I-well, yeah, for a while…”

“Me too,” you added quickly, hoping he would be able to lighten up and relax a little by admitting you’ve been talking to someone since you left too.

“Really?” Bucky asked in surprise.

“Yeah, of course,” you shrugged in response. “I got real low, Buck. Sam pushed me to talk to someone or else I probably wouldn’t have done it on my own. But it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made.”

“Steve,” Bucky grunted.

“Pardon?”

“Steve. He’s the one that suggested I talk to someone,” Bucky repeated clearer this time.

“Lucky we have such great friends, huh?” you smiled which he returned and fuuuuuuuuuuck you’d missed that smile so much.

“Listen, Y/N, I’m so sorry about-”

“Hey, no, Buck, you didn’t-”

“Please, I need to say this. I’m sorry. I was awful to you. You deserved so much better than the way I treated you back then. I wasn’t in a good place. I hated myself and you were still so good to me, but still, I-”

“I don’t blame you for anything, Bucky,” you’d interrupted him yet again, and he stopped, looking up at you confused.

“But, you should. The things I did…nobody deserved that.”

“Truthfully, there are a lot of things I regret about my life, but you were never one of them. And yeah, ok, maybe I was real mad at you there at first, but I realized those things you’d said, they weren’t really about me.” You tried your best to give him the most serious, sincere gaze you could manage, hoping he would know you meant what you were saying. “I’ve never regretted for a second that I was always there for you. I only ever wanted to give you a sense of comfort or relief or peace. My problem was that I wasn’t taking care of myself in the process.”

“But the things I said…”

“It hurt, yeah, but-”

“Ms. Y/L/N, I’m ready for you now,” a pretty, kind-faced brunette opened the door behind Bucky and gestured for you to enter.

Your eyes went wide and you panicked, worried you were about to lose this moment with Bucky. He only smiled in return.

“How about I wait here till you’re done? We can talk more after. Maybe we could walk to the pizza place together?” he suggested, waited for you to nod in agreement, then took the seat that you’d had just minutes before. He even picked up the same magazine you’d been looking at. 

Momentarily, you were mesmerized by the way he filled out the chair, somehow making it look much smaller than it had before as his large body filled it out.

The woman cleared her throat behind you politely to gain your attention once more and you snapped around, flushing that you'd been caught ogling. She only smiled understandingly and stepped back to let you stride purposefully into the room. Once you'd taken a seat on the plush couch, she took her own in an arm chair sitting across from you. 

“I see you are acquainted with Mr. Barnes,” she stated innocently, breaking the ice. 

“Oh, if you only knew,” you chuckled almost humorlessly.

 

The next 45 minutes passed in a whirlwind as she discussed the notes she received from your previous therapist and attempted to get to know you better. The two of you discussed your options on scheduling and came to the conclusion that continuing your weekly sessions as you had with your last doctor was the best course. 

As you walked back out to the waiting room to set up your new weekly sessions, you couldn’t help but feel nervous that Bucky might have left, tired of waiting. But low and behold, there he sat, still flipping through the same magazine he’d picked up earlier. 

He must've heard the door open cause his eyes shot up to yours and he flung the magazine gently onto a messy heap on the coffee table and stood up. He was respectful enough to hang back a couple paces as you talked to the girl at the front desk. 

When you turned around in his direction, smiling, he strode forward and opened the door for you, letting you walk through first. He followed just a half step behind you in an easy silence until the two do you were on the elevator, heading down for the lobby. 

“So, about earlier-”

“Listen, Buck, I know we need to talk, I want to, I really do, but I'm exhausted and raw right now. Can we talk about something else for a while? Just, I don’t know, let me decompress for a minute? Catch me up on what you've been up to this past year,” you urged as you gave him a small, sincere smile, looking up into his apprehensive blue eyes. 

“Yeah, of course. But can you just tell me...are we ok?” His brow was furrowed and he stared worriedly down at you. 

You returned his thoughtful gaze and smiled a little brighter. 

“Of course we are, James. Always.”

The discourse that had been burning in his gaze started to fade and was replaced with genuine ease. He used to love it when you'd use his given name instead of his nickname like everyone else did. And seeing him relax made you feel slightly better.

“So, do you wanna head straight over? The others should start showing up soon…” Bucky suggested, letting his shoulders fall back into a more natural, confident posture rather than the forward slump he'd adopted around you today. 

“I was hoping that I'd be able to swing by my apartment to change before heading over, if that's ok with you?”

“Oh y-yeah, of course. I could meet you after…” he stammered which made you laugh. 

“Don't be ridiculous. You can still come with me, unless you were wanting to go on-”

“No!” He nearly shouted. “No, I mean, yeah, I'll still come with you, if you're sure.”

“Of course I am,” you smiled back as the elevator doors opened to the lobby and he waited on you to step out before he followed.

He smirked and took a couple long strides to catch up to your side again. “Didn't your mother ever tell you not to invite strange guys home?”

You laughed as his bright eyes shone with laughter. 

“You're not exactly a stranger, are you Bucky?” You chuckled at his teasing tone. Every second the two of you were together, the more comfortable you’d both became. It was just like the early stages of your friendship all over again. You couldn’t help but keep up with the light-hearted teasing. “I mean, you know what it feels like to be inside me-”

You froze and Bucky tripped over his feet, both of you flushing. Your blush spreading down your neck and to your chest as your wide eyes shot to his. Well, that was definitely not what you had intended on saying in the slightest.

“Oh God, I didn't mean...I don't know where that came from. I'm so sorry,” you apologized profusely, not blinking as you continued to watch his face. It took only another second before his mouth broke into a wide, toothy smile and he was laughing, throwing his head back, and clutching one hand over his chest. 

Finally, you were able to take a shaky breath as you watched his face light up, losing his breath from laughing so hard. 

“Of all the things...you could've said...that...was NOT...what I expected…” he gasped as he tried to steady his breathing and control the peals of laughter. 

“I'm so sorry, I swear, I don't know where that came from.” You looked down at your feet, still flushed nearly crimson with embarrassment. 

His hand came to rest on your shoulder and wiped a few stray tears from his eyes as he gulped down a few more deep breaths. 

“Ok...ok,” he sighed as he finally calmed down enough to talk normally again. “Let’s get going.”

The walk to your new apartment was mostly quiet, neither of you feeling the need to interrupt the peace with mindless chatter. Every now and then, he would ask you about what you’d been up to since you were last in New York. You would answer and soon you found yourself asking about what was new with him.

Before you’d realized it, you were unlocking your apartment door and stepping inside. Bucky was quiet as he followed close behind, thoughtful as he surveyed your new place. Just inside the door was a small foyer that immediately opened up into your living room with a pair of tall bay windows covering nearly the entire length of the half wall which you’d transformed into a sitting room. Besides for the fire escape that sat right outside the windows, the gaze was of the tips of the tall city buildings and the beautiful skyline just beyond; the Stark Tower lit up like a beacon along the edge.

“I’ll uh, I’ll just be a minute. Make yourself at home,” you’d offered to Bucky as he stood in front of the large windows, his silhouette almost glowing in the light of the late evening sun.

You disappeared into your bedroom and shut the door with a soft thud. Collapsing with your back against the door, you let out a deep sigh. Your head fell back and you took a minute just to stare up at the ceiling.

What a day so far, huh? This wasn’t anything like you had imagined when you woke up this morning. But that’s life, isn’t it? Just have to take whatever it gives you and continue to roll with the punches. Not that you were suggesting meeting Bucky was necessarily like taking a punch, but it had left you breathless just the same.

You pulled yourself together again and stripped out of your work clothes, leaving them in a trail behind you as you strode to your closet. Most of your casual clothes were still in boxes, but it only took a couple minutes for you to find some jeans, flats, and a sweater to change into. You pulled your hair back into a messy knot on top of your head, feeling comfortable and more at ease than in your restricting and stiff skirt and blouse. 

“I'm ready,” you said softly as you opened the door and walked out into the living room to see Bucky still looking out the windows. 

“This is an amazing view you've got here,” he said as he turned back around and you watched his jaw slacken when his gaze landed on you again.

“Yeah, I can't believe it was cheaper than my old place. I guess I need to thank Stark for getting into the real estate business,” you mused with a smirk, joining him by his side and staring out at the city lights as the night started to darken. 

“You look very pretty,” Bucky nearly coughed out, turning his head back to the window when you turned to look at him. 

“Thanks.” You let a moment of quiet surround you before interrupting it again. “So, should we get going? It's almost 7:30,” you said as you took a step back and turned towards the door. You took your purse and slung it back over your shoulder and across your body. “I'm sure everyone is waiting for us.”

“Yeah, we should go,” he said, his voice low, but he didn't move once he had turned to look at you again. There was a light, a glowing flame, maybe just a smoldering ember, but there it was, burning in his gaze as it bore into you. 

Your breath caught in your chest. Why was it so hard to breath? Where did all the air go? When did it get so hot in here?

“W-w-we should go,” you repeated softly, watching intently as he took slow, sure strides towards where you stood by the door. You made no other move to leave. 

Within the span of another breath, Bucky was standing before you, starring down with a longing you hadn’t seen in so very, very long. The heat that radiated from him mingled with the burn you felt emanating from deep inside. He only continued to stare down at you, almost as if he were trying to studying you; trying to memorize every feature on your face like you were the most captivating work of art.

His left hand came up and, ever so gently, he tucked a stray lock of hair that behind your ear and let his fingers linger along the sensitive skin behind there and gently down your jaw. His touch was feather light; almost felt as if it were merely a stray breeze floating against your skin. Slowly, his face lowered and you braced yourself, holding your breath, knowing that his lips were about to capture yours in a sweet, heart-stopping kiss.

And man oh man, you were dying to finally have another taste of those sinful lips. You'd been torn before, wondering whether or not Bucky still thought about you like you had him. You had spent many sleepless nights thinking about all the tender moments the two of you had shared before everything went to shit. Did the thought of you keep him up at night like he did you?

You'd known that kind of thinking was holding you back from your own personal growth, stunting you, hindering you from moving on and improving yourself. But that, somehow, never was enough to keep thoughts of him at bay once the sun had set and your mind started to quiet in the late hours at night. 

You still wanted him like you had always wanted him. The blood in your veins sang for his touch. Your body yearned for his hands on your skin. After all this time, you still wanted him; needed him. After all this time, you knew more than ever, you still loved him.

Your face tilted so slightly upwards, silently begging for the soft skin of his lips to press into yours. And just seconds before sweet contact; he was only a breath away, so very close; your phone rang, effectively breaking the moment.

With a heavy sigh, Bucky hung his head and closed his eyes. He stepped back quickly, eager to put some distance between the two of you. His hands fisted by his sides before he shoved them in his pockets again. You scrambled with shaky fingers to find your cell phone, finding it a moment later in a pocket in your purse. The feeling of disappointment and rejection stung at your eyes. Squashing the overwhelming emotion just as soon as it came on, you smiled knowingly at the caller id. 

Sam. Of course it was Sam. He would have to be the one to call you and kill whatever was about to pass between you and Bucky.

You cleared your throat.

“H-hey Sam. What’s up?” You choked out the first word, but finished strong, thank God! 

Bucky chucked darkly, throwing his head back and letting it fall heavily back to his chest. You knew what he was thinking. 

Of course, out of all the friends between the two of you, it was Sam that would metaphorically cock-block him. Sam always had it out for Bucky. It was to the point that you weren’t sure anymore of which side of the line they fell on between extreme teasing between dude-bros and having a personal vendetta against Bucky. 

Either way, it happened and maybe it was for the best. It was almost too easy to fall back into this psuedo-relationship with him. It wouldn’t do you any good to dive back into that negative headspace that had you repeating the same patterns. How long would it take for you to reach that self-deprecating low that you had fallen to last time?

“Hey girl. Just checking on ya. And I've got someone here that's chomping at the bit to see you again,” he chuckled and you sighed. The smile was genuine as you heard Wanda's enthusiastic voice bickering loudly with Sam. Static blared through the reciever as you heard her scuffling with Sam. You assumed that she was trying to take the phone, but as both their voices started to bicker, the call ended.

You were still wearing the smile as you dropped your phone back into your purse and looked up to meet Bucky’s gaze. He looked almost timidly back at you, but gave you a small smile, letting the corner of his lips quirk up just a bit.

“We should go,” you said again, this time with more resolve. 

“Yeah, we should,” Bucky assented and nodded a couple times before following you out the door. Once you'd locked it and started towards the stairs, he spoke softly. 

“Hey, about what about happened-”

“Don't worry about it, Buck. I know you didn't mean it-”

“Is that what you think?” He demanded almost angrily, even though his voice was soft, as his hand found your elbow and turned you around to face him. He was still standing on the step above you and you couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated at the current position. He must have felt your unease as you tensed in his hand because he let go and took a step down so he was right next to you. 

“Well, yeah. I mean, after the way we ended things…I couldn't imagine you'd still want me-”

“Stop! Just stop!” His breathing had picked up and you couldn't help but follow suit, feeling your anxiety trying to take over your previous calm. He carded his hands through his hair, frustrated. “You have to know that's not true,” he almost whispered, his features softening as both his hands cupped your elbows. Your arms were wrapped almost protectively around your torso. “I meant it. I wanted nothing more than to kiss you. 

“You are so...I've thought about you every single day since you walked out that night. I've thought of nothing else other than what I would say if I ever saw you again. I must've picked up my phone to call you a thousand times, but I never did because I kept telling myself that you were better off without me. You left for a reason.

“I was so bad for you back then. Fuck, I probably still am now, but at least I'm not same self-sabotaging, selfish, destructive asshole I used to be. I'm sure I could live the rest of my life as virtuous and righteous as Steve, and I still wouldn't ever deserve everything you gave me; everything you did for me. 

“You'll never know what you meant to me, what you still mean to me. You were the only thing that kept me going on my bad days. You were like the sun coming into my life after I had resigned myself to a world of eternal darkness. You were, no you ARE everything to me. You always have been and it still scares the shit out of me.”

When Bucky finished, you were both panting and you felt the sting of tears pricking at your eyes. He stepped back and slumped against the wall. The both of you fell quiet, you starred up at him as his gaze bore a hole into the ground beneath his feet. When he finally met your eyes again, he whispered, 

“I love you.”

You inhaled sharply and tightened your grip around your middle.

So. There it was. There was the answer to every question you'd been asking yourself for more than a year. It felt odd to finally have the whole truth. And you couldn't lie to yourself; it felt damn good, almost made you feel giddy, to know he loved you back.

Now, you just need to figure out what to do with this information. 

“James…”

“Don't...just...don't ruin this moment, ok? Please?” He begged, sagging further into the wall, if that was possible. “I know I don't deserve this,” he waved lazily between the two of you, “and please, just give me a minute before you send me away. Please.”

“Oh James,” you whispered as you took a step closer and reached with a trembling hand up to cup his jaw. “I love you, too.”

His eyes shot up to your face, maybe to see if you were joking. 

“I've loved you for so long that I'm not sure who I'd be without you. Or, at least, that was how it used to be. Now, I have a slightly better sense of self. But it never took away how I felt for you.”

“But I-”

“My problem has only ever been that I don’t know how to love you and myself at the same time.”

Your admission was quiet and a heavy silence hung in the air. You pulled your hand away from his face and stepped back so you could lean against the other side of the wall.

“I’ve only ever known how to love you so completely that I forgot who I was without you. And now, I’m scared that if we jump right back into this again, like we were before; if I let myself love you so all-consuming like that again, I’m going to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. Buck, I can’t do that again. I can’t feel like that again. I won’t survive it this time.”

Fuck, that hurt, but it also felt so good to have finally laid out everything you’d been keeping pent up. There, he knew everything. The feeling was surprisingly terrifying. Your truth was out there now. 

Of course you wanted to have a real relationship with Bucky. That’s all you’d ever wanted from the very beginning. And from what he’s been saying, it sounded like he wants something like that with you too. But how the hell were the two of you, so broken and twisted as you still were, supposed to achieve such a thing like that? Surely it would only blow up in your faces and destroy you both.

The tears were falling down your cheek unchecked. You gasped when Bucky’s flesh hand, warm and calloused, yet so gently, wiped a couple away before cupping your jaw. He urged you to tilt your head up and you could see him smiling softly at you.

“I will bring down the Heavens before I’d let that happen again. I’m so sorry that it happened in the first place. It kills me to know that I was the one to cause you that kind of pain-“

“No, it wasn’t-“

“For the sake of my sanity, please don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault again. Because it absolutely was. I was cruel and I hurt you in a way nobody should be hurt. Especially not someone who’s as kind and loving and good as you. I will spend every damn day of the rest of my miserable, sorry life making it up to you. Whether that’s as your friend, if you’ll have me, or just an acquaintance if you don’t think we can manage that. 

“You have always been the only thing that has ever brought me any semblance of happiness. And even though I don’t deserve it, or you, if you give me the chance, I’ll remind you just how wonderful and smart and…beautiful…you are. And if it turns out that you can’t learn to love me again, and you can’t handle being around me anymore, I’ll understand and I’ll leave; without question and without hesitation. 

“I’ll do whatever I have to do to prove to you that I am not the same guy you knew before. And if you only take one thing away from anything I’ve said today, please, let it be this: I will always love you.”


	9. Chapter 9

Not another word was spoken between the two of you between your apartment and the pizza parlor. There was no tension between you and Bucky anymore, but the air was still thick and heavy, filled with all the unspoken words you still needed to say. He didn’t pressure you for any further response after his confession. He’d only asked you to not completely dismiss him until he’d been given the chance to be your friend.

Was that so unreasonable to ask of you? To consider trying to be friends again?

An hour and a half later, you were sitting with Wanda and Nat at the end of the line of high-tops that had been pushed together for your impromptu ‘welcome back’ party. It was supposed to only have been you, Steve, Sam, and Bucky, but when Sam let slip the plans, Wanda was quick to jump in as well as Natasha, Clint, Tony, Maria, and a handful of other people that you used to work closely with.

Wanda was speaking animatedly in front of you, waving her hands as she spoke. Natasha was sipping on her beer, listening intently to what you could only assume was a very intriguing story, but you were too distracted to pay any bit of attention. Your mind kept drifting over Bucky’s confession from earlier. 

He loved you. He honestly and truly loved you. Or at least that’s what he had said. It was so hard to believe, but what reason did you have to not think he was telling you the truth?

There was a little voice whispering in the back of your mind, already listing a dozen and a half reasons why he shouldn’t love you. 

‘Fuck,’ you inwardly cursed. There was that insecurity again. That sinister little voice of self-doubt and deprecation never fully went away, no matter how hard you had willed it to disappear. At least now, with all your hard work and professional help, it had faded to a quiet whisper instead of the seductive, incessant voice that usually spoke louder than everything else.

You chanced a quick glance across the room to see Bucky leaning with his back against the wall by the pool table. With a beer bottle in one hand and his pool stick in the other, he looked every bit cool and relaxed that you didn’t feel. There was an easy smile on his face that quickly quirked up into a hearty laugh that was joined by Steve and Sam. 

With a slight shake of your head, you tipped back the tall glass of beer into your mouth, finishing off yet another, and tried to focus on Wanda instead. The blush on your cheeks burned hotter with every drink, only to be made worse when Bucky would catch your eye. He’d caught you sneaking glances his way nearly every time you summoned the courage and would throw you a smirk or a wink every single time.

It couldn’t be wrong to still have these feelings for him, could it? The desire for him was exactly the same as it had been before. You burned for him in all the delicious way you used to. Wouldn’t some even consider it ‘meant-to-be’ after everything you both have been through together. After all this time, after all the heartache, was it crazy to think that there could still be something there between the two of you?

Or did it make you weak? Were you unwilling to let him go because you had hung onto him for so long? Were you afraid of moving on and finding someone else, scared that nobody else would want you? Were you not strong enough to get over him?

It wasn’t until Wanda was waving her hand in front of your face that you realized someone had been talking to you.

“Everything ok? We lost you there for a minute,” Wanda teased with a small smile, already knowing where your mind drifted to.

“Yeah, we all already know what you were thinking about,” Natasha joined in with a smirk as her eyes fell to Bucky, causing you all to look towards the group of guys in the corner. He had a hand on Steve’s shoulder, laughing easily as Tony rounded the corner of the pool table with a miffed expression on his face before he bent over to line up his next shot.

A fresh glass of beer appeared in front of you silently and you snapped your attention back to your friends. You were surprised to see that at some point during your daydream, Clint had pulled up a chair between you and Natasha and was perched precariously on the edge of it. He had tape covering the bridge of his nose as well as a clean bandage above his brow.

“You know, he hasn’t brought any girls around since that night at Stark's’ party; before you left,” Natasha added as she bent her head in your direction.

You choked on your drink and spluttered your mouthful of beer across the table, causing everyone to back away out of the line of fire. Wanda and Clint were both already grabbing handfuls of napkins and covering your mess.

“W-what? Really?” You choked through your coughing fit before finally gaining your composure again. “I mean, whatever, what do I care? I was gone for a long time. And we weren’t actually a thing. Sure, we were friends...but that was it. He has always been free to do whatever he wants with whoever he-”

“Jeez, chill,” Clint cut you off with a huffing laugh and your cheeks flamed even redder if that were possible. “Nat was only teasing you. But just so you know, she’s right. He hasn’t brought anyone around.”

With your eyes staring down at the table, you took a deep breath and released it with a shaky sigh.

“Steve is the only other one that knows what happened with you and Bucky,” Natasha answered your unspoken question. Relief flooded your body and your shoulders relaxed into a more natural posture, not realizing until now that they had tensed. “It’s just us, and Sam, of course. But that’s it. Everyone who was in the gym that day still isn’t sure what they saw or heard. When you left, Hill told everyone you were assigned a case where you’d been reassigned to another compound and would be on a temporary leave until further notice.”

You nodded, sighing gratefully that nobody else knew of what transpired. Without thinking about it, you let your gaze fall back over to Bucky. He was still laughing, with his whole body this time. His back was arched slightly and his head thrown back, eyes closed and face lit up like a damn Christmas Tree. 

The smile lines around his mouth were more prominent than they had been a year ago. Even the creased around his eyes had grown a little deeper than you remembered them being. He must be smiling and laughing a lot more these days.

“He got real quiet after you left,” Wanda mused, her accent thick as it usually was when she was drinking. “It was hard to be around him after you left. His mind; it was so dark and...loud. I tried not to read him, but it was like he was screaming every time I would get close. He went into reclusion shortly after that. Like he was tired of pretending everything was okay. Steve finally had to break into his apartment a few weeks of nobody seeing him around the compound.

“He’s doing a lot better now,” Wanda added in a more cheerful voice. “He talks to us more than he did before. He’s also less brooding. Well, just a little less brooding. He wouldn’t be Bucky if he still didn’t have that strong, handsome, stoic thing happening for him.”

“I only brood to scare the new recruits,” his deep, velvety voice spoke from behind you, interrupting everyone's laughter. “Gotta make sure they are more intimidated by me more so than they are of Sam.”

Everyone jumped as he appeared by your side, a teasing smile on his face. Natasha and Clint were first to slide out of their chairs and meander as casually as possible towards the dartboard as Clint still kept watch behind, as if he were making sure that Bucky wasn’t going to follow them to react revenge for talking about him. With a knowing smile on her face, Wanda excused herself and left you alone with Bucky, letting him take her vacated seat. The silence stretched for a beat as he nervously picked at the label on his beer bottle. You were just about to open your mouth to break the quiet that settled, but he beat you to it. 

“It was bad after you left me. Everything I did to you, and everyone else, it all hit me at once and I couldn't handle it. I knew Wanda could sense it and it was painful for her, but she won't ever admit that'd because she's a sweetheart like that. So I tried avoiding her at first, but it was too painful to keep acting like I was fine and found it was easier to stay away from everyone instead. 

“I think it was three weeks I had locked myself up inside my apartment before Steve finally broke down my damn door and drug me back to the compound. He said he was tired of watching me wallow and sulk. Forced me to start talking to someone. It took me a bit to see that he was right; I was being an asshole. 

“I started seeing someone everyday, sometimes twice a day. And that’s how it went for the first couple months, until it was only 5 days a week. Then a few months after that, I was able to move down to every other day. Now, I still see someone twice a week, and it’s been a long, hard road, but I’m feeling better, more at peace than I ever felt, even before the war. I’ve been working on opening up to my friends more; letting people in, being honest about how I feel. I don’t think I could have admitted how I felt back then, even just to myself. I used to think I didn't deserve to be able to feel anything other than the pain; the self-loathing; the hurt. But, it's not like that anymore.”

“I’m happy for you Buck. I really am. You deserve to be happy,” you said, your voice thick. 

The waitress came by and you both ordered two more drinks and you let a few moments of quiet pass before you sighed and resigned yourself to what you were feeling. There was no fighting the urge to be close with Bucky any longer. You've suffered enough to not at least try to make this work. He's definitely suffered too much to not give him this as well. 

“I want to be your friend. I really do. But we have to start slow. Baby steps, ok?”

He gave you another one of his genuine, mega-watt smiles that lit up his entire face and you were gone. You knew there was no hope in fighting the pull he had over you. And right there, in that pizza parlor, you fell in-love with him all over again as you two spent the rest of the night catching up, laughing, and sharing stories with all your friends.


	10. Chapter 10

Christmas was fast approaching now and Bucky had finally asked you on a real and proper date. 

Things had been going so smoothly since that night at the pizza place. Nearly every day was spent with him. And even on the days you weren’t with him, you were texting him or he was texting you. Every night that he wasn’t working late with Steve, the two of you were talking on the phone until the late hours of early morning. The two of you had fallen into your friendly relationship without a hitch. It was just as easy being his friend as you had remembered.

He’d been nervous when he finally came up to you with the idea of going on a date together as more than friends, but his anxiety melted away when you enthusiastically agreed. He had acquired tickets to the orchestra and was nearly giddy with excitement when you jumped into his arms and hugged him tight around his neck.

It was just a few days before Christmas Eve and you found yourself staring at your reflection in your floor-length mirror. The satin material of the dress felt heavenly against your skin. It looked absolutely perfect. The dress was form fitted and cut in a elegant, modest, yet classy style that screamed vintage boutique. You’d managed your hair and makeup to match the occasion and stood back to look at the affect of it all finally brought together.

In the back of your mind, you felt slightly foolish for getting so nervous and worked up over this date. Maybe you were going over the top with this get up. When you saw this dress in the booth at the antique mall, it had seemed kismet; especially when you saw it was your size.

Oh God, what the hell had you been thinking? You shouldn’t have done this. You looked like you were trying too hard, and that was exactly what you had been trying to avoid. The color was too bold, the style was too out of date, even the faux fur wrap that came with it was…

Your doorbell ringing cut your inner monologue of doubt in its tracks. With your heart thumping madly up into your throat, you rushed to the door as quickly as your heels would allow. As soon as you had swung the door open, your heart nearly stopped beating altogether.

There stood Bucky, wearing a blue velvet tux with a black bow tie, looking as handsome as you had ever seen him before. His hair had been cut considerably shorter than it had been the previous day and he’d even styled it using actual product and a comb. And that wasn’t where the transformation ended. He’d trimmed up his beard to a modest stubble, giving the appearance of a stylish 5 o’clock shadow.

It was a wonder that you hadn’t jumped him right this second for the warm tingles he was giving you just by standing there looking as good as he did. 

And all your second guessing on your outfit of choice was all but forgotten as his eyes opened wide and stared slack-jawed at you, not bothering to hide that he was eyeing you up and down. You watched him swallow hard before he snapped his eyes to your face and close his lips, forming a warm smile. With a trembling hand, he held out a bouquet of flowers towards you.

“For you, my dear,” he said with a smirk.

You took the mixed bouquet of colorful, vibrant flowers and brought them to your nose, closing your eyes as you inhaled their sweet fragrance.

“Wow, sweetheart, you look...I want to say beautiful, but I’m afraid that won’t do you justice,” he said as you took a step back and let him inside.

“Thanks,” you replied breathlessly. You both stared into each other's eyes, his were wide and thoughtful shining back at you. “I, uh, better get these in some water before we go.”

Finally able to break away, you carefully strode into the kitchen and dug for a jar to fill with water. It took only a few seconds to find what you wanted, filled it with water, then placed it on the center of your kitchen table before placing the beautiful bouquet in. You took another sniff before turning back to Bucky and joining him where he was still standing by the front door.

“You clean up well, James,” you smirked as you gestured towards his hair.

“Oh. Yeah,” he said as he ducked his head bashfully for a moment before carding his fingers through his shorter strands. “Thought it might be past due for a trim and a shave. Do you like it?” His voice was quiet as you watching him shuffle slightly from one foot to the other, clearly nervous as we waited for your response.

“Oh God, of course! You look so handsome tonight. Not that you normally don’t! It’s just, I’ve never seen your hair this short before. I mean, only in pictures I have, but never in person. It looks, yeah, you look real good, Buck. It’s very different than that whole, homeless, yet rugged lumberjack look you were rocking before.”

“If you want, I could always grow it back out for you,” he suggested with wide, sincere eyes. “It would only take a few months before I can get it back to its full majesty again.”

He was laughing by the time he finished which had you giggling along with him.

“Nah, I like this version too. You look more presentable like this. And I bet you’re a lot less recognizable this way. It’s very ‘James Bond’ in my opinion,” you said through your giggles which only made his smile that much brighter.

“Well, yours is the only opinion I care about,” he admitted and then his eyes went wide as if he’d just admitted his deepest, darkest secret. He flexed his left hand that was covered with a glove for the occasion a bit nervously. You’d almost missed it if you weren’t about to take that hand in your own. Instead, you decided to cup his elbow and slowly slid your hand down his arm, letting your fingers linger in the soft texture of his tux before carding your fingers with his.

He looked down to your joined hands and back up to you to see that you were giving him a warm, comforting smile.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” he admitted with a serious look on his face. Your eyes went wide at his admission. “But I won’t!” He interjected when he saw watched your mouth fall open slightly. “At least, I won’t yet. I’m going to wait until the end of the night, like a proper gentleman, before I ask you for permission. I promise.” He winked and smiled, seeming to be a bit more at ease.

You returned his smile and felt your heart flutter in your chest. He cocked out his elbow and you slid your hand back up to take his elbow.

“Shall we?”

You secured your coat with your free hand and grabbed your purse off the hook by the door. With a nod you pulled out your keys and followed him out the door, locking it behind you.

The entire night was magical to say the least. Everything had been absolutely perfect down to the very last detail. He had taken a chance and got seats right in the middle of the general audience. It fared better than you had thought it would as nobody seemed to recognize him.

That’s not to say that he didn’t draw everyone’s attention. Everyone you passed seemed to have noticed how beautiful your date was this evening. He’d caught the eye of every woman and most men in every room you’d entered together. It wasn’t like you could blame any of them; he was gorgeous with his brilliant smile, his crinkling, piercing eyes, his dashing good looks. And somehow, he was completely oblivious to all the looks.

After the concert ended, he took you for dinner at a very expensive looking restaurant where you weren’t able to pronounce half of what was on the menu. That wasn’t a problem though as Bucky had ordered both of your entrees and a bottle of wine in flawless French.

“Where’d you learn to speak like that?” You asked in awe as the pretty waitress took both your menus and disappeared from your side.

“I don’t know, I just picked it up over the years…” he admitted somewhat bashfully. Realization struck when he ducked his head a bit; he’d learned it during his time with HYDRA as the Winter Soldier. You could kick yourself for being so thick and forgetting such an obvious bit of information.

“I’m sorry,” you said with a frown as you reached your hand across the table for his. He placed it in yours without hesitation and you gave it a gentle squeeze. “Tonight has been so amazing and it’s felt so normal that I forgot we weren’t just two normal, ordinary people out for a normal date like everyone else. I wasn’t even thinking…”

You were cut off by a gentle squeeze of his hand and saw that he’d laid his other one next to yours, gesturing for you to hold it as well.

“Y/N, I-”

He was cut off by the waitress coming back with the bottle of wine and you both let your hands fall back to your laps. She poured you both a glass and left it sitting in the middle of the table. You could see her lingering out of the corner of your eye and it made you smirk. Of course she was having a hard time taking her eyes off of Bucky. She couldn’t seem to walk away until she accidently bumped into another table. That seemed to snap her attention back to where she was and scurried off once more.

“You seem to be drawing all kinds of attention tonight, Mr. Barnes. Positively everyone is staring at you,” you teased as you took your glass of wine in your hands and took a generous sip.

“I don’t think it’s me they’ve been staring at. You are absolutely radiant this evening,” he countered as he locked eyes with yours. You glanced around and it was like a fog had lifted. He wasn’t wrong; there were dozens of eyes gazing at you. You flushed with embarrassment at the thought of being the center of attention. It had been one thing when it had been Bucky that had gained all the attention; he was breath-taking in his blue tuxedo. If everyone was staring at you, they must be wondering why on Earth this Adonis was slumming with someone like you.

Just as you were about to chastise yourself for letting your mind go to such a dark place so fast, Bucky interrupted.

“Everyone’s staring because they’ve never seen anyone as graceful or alluring before. You look otherworldly. Damn,I still don’t know why you’ve ever agreed to this date,” he chuckled nervously judging by the wavering of his words. The look in his eyes though, the way his gaze burned was all you needed to know that he meant every single word.

The moment was interrupted again as your food arrived. As soon as the waitress walked away, you were both digging into your plates. Everything was even more amazing that you could have imagined. First, the concert had been delightful, the food was delicious, the wine was flowing nonstop. You hadn’t enjoyed yourself this much in such a long time.

Too soon, Bucky was parking the car outside of your building. You weren’t even close to being ready for this date to be over and it was made even more present by the pang you were feeling in your chest.

Snow was falling steadily now as Bucky jumped out the car, ran around, and opened the door for you. That short amount of time was all it took for the snow to stick in Bucky’s dark hair, giving him a shimmering, almost glowing, angelic look. You took his outstretched hand and he pulled you up to the sidewalk.

The giggles couldn’t be stopped as you reached up with one hand to brush a handful of snow out of his hair, only laughing harder as it was immediately replaced with more the next second. His eyes closed at your gentle touch and you let your hand fall to his face, cupping his cheek. He leaned into your touch and hummed in contentment.

When his eyes opened, the pupils were blown wide and it nearly took your breath away. So slowly, you weren’t even sure it was really happening, he was leaning forward and angling his face just so. Your lips parted in anticipation, but when you came forward, eager to meet those plump, warm lips you’ve missed so much, you were sent sliding to the side as your heel snapped completely off your shoe.

You were ready to meet your maker, resigning yourself to the fact that you were about collide hard with the rough, cold concrete. Squeezing your eyes shut and inhaling sharply, you were ready, but the collision never came. Instead of feeling the solid, freezing, unforgiving ground beneath you, you felt two strong arms wrapped around your middle as they held you against a warm, broad chest.

You opened one eye, peeking up to see a pair of worried blue eyes. Below that you saw a pair of flushed lips, parted and exposing just a glimmer of pearly white teeth. Hot breath, sweet and crisp from over a half dozen after-dinner mints fanned warmly across your face. Finally, both your eyes fluttered open and you were a bit doe-eyed as you gazed back up.

“Th-thank you,” you finally huffed, breathless at the way his eyes were still burning.

Instead of responding, Bucky let his own eyes close and pulled you into a kiss.

Fucking finally! And if you thought his breath smelled sweet, it was no comparison for the way he tasted as his tongue dipped between your lips and rolled against your own. Damn it all if this man didn’t know how to kiss a woman. In a flood of flashing images, you were remembering all the sinful ways this man could please you with only his mouth.

Gasping for breath, you pulled his body closer and tried your best to wrap a leg around his hip, eager to feel him between your legs again, but the confining material of your dress kept you from doing so. You heard him growl just a second before you felt it rumble against your chest and then he was straightening up into a standing, upright position. He only kissed you for another second before he gently pushed you away from him.

It was useless to fight the way your body followed his, desperate to feel his warmth, his strength, his comfort for only a moment more, but he held you firmly in place with almost a foot of distance separating you. His chest was heaving much like yours as you were panting to catch your breath. His blue eyes were shining, burning with need. That helped ease the sting of rejection to see that he was still obviously wanting you.

After a quick, cursury glance down your body and to your ruined heels, he ducked without warning and swept your legs up in his arms so he was now carrying you bridal style into your building. You laughed and kicked weakly as he held your body close to his chest. With his own casual smirk, he took the stairs two at a time, trying to ignore the way your body was wriggling against his. 

It was only when he was standing in front of your door that he sat you carefully on your feet and placed both his hands on your waist.

“Do you want to come in for coffee? Or a drink? Or anything at all?” you asked as the flush on your face started to tingle. His fingers were dancing along the soft material of your dress, but with a chaste kiss, he pulled away and closed his eyes for a second, looking back up to you almost remorseful.

“I better not,” he sighed and you could see how hard this was for him to do. You smiled kindly and nodded your head in understanding, knowing that he was right. “I want to do this slow. I want this to be right. And tonight, although it was amazing and you were so perfect,” he accentuated that word and paused before continuing, “It’s too soon.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Of course you’re right. I’m sorry, about downstairs. I didn’t mean to be so…” you made a flailing gesture with your hands, unsure of what you were trying to actually say. “I guess I lost my head for a second. It’s been so long…”

“Yeah, for me too. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I need to go now while I still can,” he said with a smile and kissed your forehead. He took a step back and leaned against the wall as he watched you fumble with your keys, trying to find the right one. You were able to unlock your door and step inside. With one last look, you smiled and saw him push away from the wall, but not start to walk away until you had closed the door behind you and locked it back. 

That night you came twice, once with just your fingers before even stripping out of your dress. The second time was only thirty minutes later in a hot bath with your vibrator as you kept thinking of Bucky's mouth all over your body.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end! Smut, smut, smut!

Winter was starting to fade as March approached, bringing with it slushy grounds and chirping birds. It has been three long months of phenomenal dates with Bucky and sexless, frustrating nights. Every time you were with him, he has went above and beyond, lavishing you with his undivided attention, delicious foods, the finest and most thoughtful gifts. He was absolutely spoiling you spectacularly, but it wasn't exactly what you were wanting. 

You needed more. You needed him. You were ready. 

Tonight wasn't anything particularly special. It wasn't even considered a date by Bucky's standards. He's merely wanted to cook you dinner and relax with a movie on the tv after a grueling week filled with boring meetings and tedious training with Steve. 

He cooked a delicious pasta dish and you fell asleep watching some mobster movie you’d found while flipping through the channels. You only roused from slumber when you felt Bucky’s arms slide under you and lift you off the couch. The groan that left your mouth as he pulled you to his chest and carried you to his bedroom made him chuckle lightly. He shuffled just a bit as he fumbled with the doorknob before he kicked it open gently and strode to the bed, placing you gently on top of the blankets.

With a quick kiss to your forehead, he pulled the duvet up over your body. When he turned to leave, intent on sleeping on the couch so you could have the whole bed to yourself, a surge of confidence flowed through your body and to your hands as you wrapped your fingers around his wrist and pulled him back.

“Stay,” you whispered, your eyes now open and alert as they met his bright blue ones. 

“But-”

“Please. I’m ready. We’re ready for this. I need you,” you begged as you sat up, pushing back the blanket he’d just covered you with. “Are you ready? Do you want me?”

“Oh fuck,” he whispered, eyes wide and hesitant, but he didn't pull away from you. 

“I need you to say it. Do you want me?” You purred as you pushed yourself to perch on the edge of the bed. 

“Always,” he whispered again, eyes still wide. 

“Do you want this? Right now? I'm ready. Are you?”

You were standing in front of him now as you released his hand and stood just a few inches apart. His breathing had picked up as his chest expanded with each new, deep breath. 

“Y-yes,” he exhaled in the next breath and then you were on him. 

You threw yourself in his arms and kissed him fiercely, releasing all your lent up frustrations into his lips. Jumping, knowing he would catch you, you wrapped both your legs around his waist and sure enough, his hands were under your ass, holding you firmly in place. First your hands were around his neck, but soon moved to his hair. Letting the locks flow through your fingers, the strands felt silly smooth from his recent shower. In the back of your mind, you made a mental note to ask what kind of conditioner he used so you could get yours to feel as soft as his. 

Before you realized he was moving, you felt the mattress beneath your back as he pushed you down, his body stretching out on top of yours. His lips moved from yours to your jaw and then down your throat. Hungrily, he lapped at your exposed skin, licking and nipping and sucking gently, although careful not to leave marks where anyone could see them. 

With both your hands, you pushed against his chest to get him to lean up enough so you could wiggle out of your shirt. He watched as you pulled the thin sweat clean over your head and toss it to the floor. Next was your bra which took a little extra maneuvering, but when you'd finally let it join your shirt, his mouth was on your again, moving to your chest and latching onto your nipple. 

Your fingers tangled in his hair again and you gasped when he bit down on the little nub, causing you to pull his hair. The growl vibrates through his chest as he didn't let go, only now sucking and lapping at it tenderly, lavishing it, soothing the ache. 

“Again,” you begged breathlessly as you grabbed another handful of hair and guided him to your other breast. “Again, please.”

Your eyes met for a brief second before he gave the other nipple the same treatment. You cried out again when he pulled it up gently between his teeth, your back arching up off the bed as your head flew back into the pillows. 

It was surprising how close you were already to your climax, but at the same time, it wasn't. Bucky had always had that effect on you. He knew your body so well; he was so attuned to the way you reacted to him, he could play you like a finely tuned instrument. Tonight was no different. He kisses and grazed and pressed and pulled in all the right spots until you were breathless beneath him. 

“More, Bucky, I need more. I need you,” you urged him as you fumbled with your pants, trying to snake your hands between your bodies to push them down over your hips. 

He pulled back to sit on his knees and hooked his fingers in your waist and before pulling your legs free of the restrictive material, leaving you in only your panties. 

“Oh, my sweet doll baby,” he growled as his eyes drank in your quivering form sprawled on the bed beneath him. “You are beyond perfection.”

In the next breath, his lips were on you again, attaching themselves to your collarbone as you felt his hips settle between your legs again and start to roll. The sweatpants he had put on as soon as he got home were a thin and let you feel nearly every ridge of his hardening cock as he slid it against you. The dampness between your legs was starting to seep through your panties as he pressed harder and harder against you. 

It took your pleasure-hazy brain a few minutes to process that while you were nearly completely naked already, Bucky had yet to shed a single article of clothing. This situation needed immediate rectifying. 

Your hands found his back and slid slowly down until you felt the edge of his tee shirt and then the sliver of bare skin. Slowly, as he continues to racism your chest with his mouth, you pushed your hands up his shirt along his bare back, loving the way his hot skin felt against yours. 

Just as your fingertips grazed the raised scar tissue along his shoulder, his hands were clamped around your wrists, stopping you from progressing further. His lips never left your skin so you thought nothing of this until it happened again. Once he’d released your arms, you tried again, only to be stopped as they reached halfway up his back this time.

You furrowed your brow and looked down at him as his lips stopped their assault. His breathing had changed. It was more ragged and raspy, as if he were now on the verge of panicking. There was only a brief second that you saw a wild look in his eyes before he closed them and pulled away from you, sitting up on his knees again. He fixed his shirt, pulling it back down his middle and sagged his shoulders, looking vulnerable and defeated.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, your voice still a bit husky as you wrapped your arm around your breasts, instinctively wanting to cover them as the mood shifted.

His eyes open and you see regret shining in them as he takes in your reaction. Confusion replaces desire as he stands from the bed, walks around to the other side, and sits on the edge with his back towards you. With the next exhale, his head is hanging down, chin to his chest, and his face buried in his hands.

You tug at the sheet beneath you until it is free and you can wrap the softness around your body before walking over to sit next to him. You’re careful to leave just enough space between your bodies; close enough so he knows you’re there, but just far enough away so that he doesn’t feel crowded or claustrophobic. Carefully, you place a comforting hand on the middle of his back and rub slow circles over the top of his shirt, making sure you don’t accidentally touch his skin as that had been what set him off just now.

“I’m sorry. I know I rushed this. I pushed you. It’s hard to remember that it’s different than before. You still need time and that’s ok. It’s always going to be okay, Bucky. You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. I’m with you. I’m going to always be with you, baby.” You cooed in the most soothing voice you could manage. He relaxed a little under your touch and you felt a flicker of relief.

“Can you talk to me?” You whispered now, trying to get him to open up. “You don’t have to if you’re not ready, okay?”

He was silent for a long moment as you continued to rub his back, waiting patiently. You were acutely aware that this was not an appropriate conversation to be having while wearing only a sheet. Maybe it would be best to put your clothes back on. Maybe he’d be more willing to talk about it if you weren’t sitting here, naked, beside him. You’d turned slightly, looking for where you’d discarded your sweater to when he finally started to speak.

“It wasn’t you,” he choked out through his hands. His voice was thick and wavered slightly as he continued. “I want to so bad, I promise. It’s just...I can’t...I...it...it always ruins it...and this time...this time it’s...different...and I didn’t want you to see it, yet.”

Your heart broke with every word, hearing how small his voice sounded and how unsure and troubled he was.

“See what?” You asked quietly.

“It’s so stupid,” he admits with a heavy sigh and pulls his head up from his hands, but keeps it tucked down towards his chest. His eyes are trained on his hands as they fold together restlessly between his knees.

“Oh, hush now. Nothing is stupid if it bothers you like this,” you lightly admonish, gentle, yet firm enough to insist that he knows better than to think like that.

“It’s...my arm,” he mumbles so low that you almost don’t hear it. “I was fine and thought I was ready until you started touching my back, getting close to the scars.”

“Oh James, baby, you shouldn’t ever be ashamed or embarrassed around me. Especially not about that. And I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen it before. You didn’t used to have a problem with it, did you? When we were together?”

“No, but that was different,” he argues, shaking his head slightly as if he’s getting frustrated that you aren’t understanding what he’s saying.

“What’s so different, James?” You ask, using his first name like you know he secretly likes. Sure enough, there’s a small smile on his face as the name fall from your lips, before it disappears and he continues talking.

“Because this time...it’s real,” he huffs out and looks pleadingly up at you as if he's begging you to finally understand what he’s feeling. You continue to look confused. “Because this time, everything is different; it’s...more. I’m different, you’re different, but this,” he gestures to his left arm, “It’s still the same, ugly, scarred, destructive chunk of weaponry that it’s always been and I’m afraid…”

He paused and you can see that he’s thinking about his next words carefully. With a shaky breath, his eyes shine as he continues on.

“I’m afraid that this time, you won’t be able to look past it and see me for me anymore. I’m afraid that everything we’ve got now will be tarnished and forgotten as you remember all the terrible things I’ve done with it.”

Tears are stinging at your eyes by the time he finishes.

“How could you ever think that I would…” you start in a whisper, your eyes continually burning as they fight to hold back the tears threatening to spill, but Bucky is pulling you gently to your feet, cutting you off.

He releases you and steps back once you are standing in front of the floor length mirror. Most of his body is hidden behind yours as only his head can be seen over your shoulder. You give him a confused look, but instead of giving you an answer, he reaches over your shoulder and takes the bunched up sheet that you’re holding together in front of your chest. He gives you a look and you release the sheet. He lets go as well, letting it pool to the floor around your feet. You are now on full display, save for the small material of your panties.

“I want you to look,” he says in a low, gravely voice.

“I am,” you say, your voice starting to tremble when you notice the way his eyes are burning as they take in your flushed skin.

“No, I mean, really look,” he repeats in the same tone. The fingertips of his flesh hand graze over the curve of your shoulder, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. “Tell me what you see.”

“What’s the point of this?” You ask, the harshness of your tone giving your words more of a bite than you had initially planned. You can’t help but see every stretch mark, every extra curve, every blemish decorating your bared skin.

“Just look,” he urges once more, softer than before.

You watch the way his fingers graze down your throat, over your shoulder once more, and then down the length of your arm. His touch tingles as it skins up your belly, to your chest, and then lingers just under the swell of one of your breasts. His fingers pinch your nipple lightly and you watch it harden in response. 

“Just look at all this perfect, warm, soft skin. Can you see the way it reacts when I touch it? Always so responsive.” He whispers in your ear as you watch your chest flush as he continues to caress you. 

“I love how soft you are. I love how perfectly you fit next me, how you feel pressed tight against me…”. Bucky continues as his fingers dance along your skin. He lets them rest below your belly button and splays his fingers wide against you, pressing hard enough to pull you back against him. His nose is skimming along your throat before he nuzzles into your shoulder.

“How is it that you always smell so good?” He asks barely above a whisper.

“What was the point of all this?” You asked now, feeling more anxious than before. “What did any of this have to do with your arm?”

“Look at how perfect you are. Right now. Your soft, smooth skin flushed and glowing; your curves that were made to fit in the palm of my hands; your strong, capable legs, especially those thighs that carry your weight effortlessly when you’re walking, not to mention when you're riding me. Just look at this breath-taking masterpiece that you are.”

Your blush burned hotter as you listened to his praise; watching his hands flex and skim along your supple flesh.

“Now, look at me,” he whispered as he pulled his shirt off by the back of its neck and stepped just to the left, revealing that whole side of his body just slightly behind yours. The scar tissue that surrounded his metal arm looked angry and painful, bubbled up, raised, and rippled even after all this time. 

Everything was starting to make sense now. “If you can look at yourself, at the miracle that you are, and only see your flaws, because I know you and I know that’s all you were thinking about, then how the fuck are you supposed to be able to look at me and see anything other than a monster?”

He ducked his head, letting his hair fall over his forehead. You turned around, putting yourself between his arms. Both your hands went to his shoulders, carefully placing one on his right, then, even slower and tentatively, on his left. Your thumb stroked lightly against the melded flesh. Without a second thought, you brought your lips down and placed a gentle kiss right where the metal seared into the flesh of his shoulder, causing him to tense and then shudder. 

“You're beautiful, James,” you whispered before placing another kiss further down his chest, but still along the jagged scar. Your kisses peppered all along raised flesh until you had tears slipping slowly between your fluttering eyelids. “God, how can you not see that? This,” you placed your hand firmly on his shoulder, half on metal, half on flesh. “This right here is beautiful on its own.”

“Stop-”

“No, Buck, you've got to listen to me. This arm and these scars are so beautiful because it is a part of who you are. When I look at this arm, I see the hard road you were forced to take and though it was torturous and painful...I hate to say this, but I'm grateful for it because it's made you who you are and it's brought you here, to me. 

“It's made you strong; and not just physically. You've learned to endure so much pain and sadness and it’s made you a better man. You’re kind and gentle and so compassionate. I’m sure you were a good man back in the day, but I can’t imagine that you had the same depth and fortitude back then that you do now. You’ve saved countless lives. Most importantly though, and I say this selfishly, you saved me.

“I can't imagine the life I'd be living now if I had never known you. I’d still be that meek, shallow, self-conscious shell of a girl. My days would have been bland and meaningless. But because I have you, I now know what it's like to love myself, and my life has purpose. I know what it feels like to be strong and confident and beautiful. You gave me all of that. 

“And it’s all because of that arm that you hate so much. It’s a reminder of what you’ve endured and the cost you paid to get to this point of your life. You have Steve and your freedom again; all because of this arm. If you can’t see the beauty of all of that for me, then you should at least try to do it for yourself. You deserve that much, Buck.

“One day I hope that you’ll be able to see yourself the same way that I do,” you say as you push the hair off his forehead and then cup his face in both your hands. “I hope that one day I can make you feel as beautiful and whole as I feel when I’m with you.”

He’s looking up at you now with tears shining in his eyes, a few already trailing down his cheeks.

“And yeah, sure, when I’m alone, it’s harder to look past all the imperfections and you’ll definitely still have some really shitty days, because we are human and it’s just going to happen. But when I look into your eyes and I see the way they shine back at me, or the way they burn when we are alone together, or even the way your lips worship every inch of my body, it’s impossible to feel down about the way I look. All I want is to be able to do the same thing for you one day.

“It may take a while for you to feel that. You might not ever see past the physical appearance of your arm, and if that’s how it is, then that’s ok too. Because I’ll always be right here to remind you how perfect you are and the beauty beyond all of this. Every single day, I will try to make you see yourself the way that I see you.”

His lips were on yours in a flash and you could feel the wetness from his tears as they smeared along your cheeks. His tongue was demanding as he controlled the kiss, fighting for more with every roll against yours. You were panting within seconds, forcing you to push away. As you looked up at him one more time, an idea struck. Just as his hands on your waist tried to pull you forward into another kiss, your planted your hands firmly on his chest and pushed him back.

He looked confused, but didn’t take his eyes off you as he let you push him a step back. You glanced back at the mirror and then back to Bucky, silently begging him to indulge you and pulled him to the side. You half turned and slowly slipped down to your knees and then Bucky seemed to understand. You had positioned him so he was fully in front of the mirror and was looking at himself full on.

With steady fingers, you hooked them into the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulled them down, freeing his half-hard erection in front of your face. When he wove his fingers in your hair, soft and gentle, just like always, you peered up at him through your lashes. His gaze was focused on you.

“Don’t look at me,” you chided as you took his girth in your hand and nodded with your head towards the mirror. “I want you to watch yourself while I make you come with my mouth.”

You felt him growl and watched as his eyes fought to stay on you, but eventually settled uneasily on his own reflection. With the tip of your tongue, you kitten licked the tip of his cock, rewarding you with the clenching of his fingers in your hair. You repeated that a couple more times as your hand wrapped around his base and gave him a couple easy tugs.

Just as you were about to wrap your lips around the head, he looked down to you again and you pulled off.

“Nu-uh, baby boy. You gotta watch the mirror,” you almost command as you feel the dominance slip into your tone, much like it used to all those times before. 

Except this time, it felt good as it washed over you. You felt powerful and confident because this time, it wasn’t about making Bucky suffer or hurt like the thought he deserved before he could have release. This time, it was about showing him how he makes you feel. This time, it was about proving to him that he deserves better than the way he thinks of himself.

“F-fuck,” he gasps as he fights to tear his gaze away from you and stare at the mirror once more. Your lips wrap, warm and wet, around the head of his cock and his hips buck forward slightly and you can feel the tension in his muscles as he fights not to fuck himself into your mouth. 

Because he knows better. He knows you’re in control now. And he won’t do anything you don’t tell him to.

“That’s my good boy. Now, watch yourself,” you purr as you slip off his cock and pump him in your hand using the leftover saliva still around the head of his cock from where your mouth had been. You swipe your palm around the tip, gathering the wetness before you continue to pump. 

You slip your mouth back around his straining cock and without warning, you take him as deep as you can go before he hits the back of your throat. You gag slightly and pull back a bit before setting up an easy rhythm. When you hum while he’s deep inside you, he nearly loses all control and thrusts forward. Both his hands are now in your hair, wrapping his finger around your strands, but he doesn’t pull like other men might. No, his touch is still as gentle and easy and caring as it always has been. His thumbs are stroking comfortingly and his fingers flex, pulling your hair ever so slightly like he knows you like.

“Fuck, baby, god damn,” he’s moaning as you look up to see his eyes locked on his own in the mirror. They drift down for a second to the back of your head, but shoot quickly back up. 

You hope he’s finally able to see what you see. There’s the flush spreading just under his skin that gives him a rosy, golden hue that sets your heart racing. There’s the way that the sweat breaking out and makes him look almost as if he’s glowing under the dim lighting. His muscles coil and bunch and roll with his easy movements in the most hypnotic way.

But that’s not the best part. Your favorite part about watching Bucky come undone is all in his eyes. Those usually guarded, beautiful, blue eyes are always so expressive in these moments. Everything that he’s feeling is written all over his face. It’s in these precious minutes that you can see all the love and vulnerability and fiery passion come pouring out as they lock with yours.

His release is fast approaching. You can feel it in the way he’s gripping your hair tighter and the way his stomach is clenching as he tries to control his breathing. 

“Come on, baby, let go. I want it all,” you say low and husky as you pump his cock faster. He growls and you can tell he’s struggling to keep his eyes open. “Look at me.” And he does. His eyes snap down to yours and you release your hand from his throbbing cock and place them both on his hips. You open your mouth, giving him the silent invitation to fuck your mouth to find his end.

He takes a deep breath and, almost as if a coil snaps inside him, he’s thrusting gently into your mouth. That is, until your hands are pulling him harder into your mouth, urging him to let go. 

And that’s all he needs. He buries his cock into the heat of your mouth before releasing that first hot stream into the back of your throat. You try to fight it, but you gag and he pulls out, pumping the rest of his release over your chest instead.

He’s panting and sags down onto the ground in front of you when he’s finished. His forehead pressed sweaty against yours and you take his face in your hands, holding him, comforting him, soothing him as he recovers. As he still fights to catch his breath, he pulls you into his lap.

“Stop, you’ll get messy,” you fight against him gently, careful not to let his cum spread to his sweaty chest, but he still pulls you forward until your flush against him.

“Mmm, don’t care. Need to hold you,” he grumbles as he buries his face in your neck and holds you against him. “Need to feel you.”

“Oh baby,” you coo as you cradle the back of his head against you, letting your fingers card through the short hair on the back of his head. 

You hold him until his breath evens out and he pulls back. The kiss he places on your lips is sweet and gentle, and filled with so much affection. He wraps his arms tighter around you, lowering his flesh arm to cup your ass as he pushes himself up from the floor and onto his feet. Without breaking away from your mouth, he’s striding easily into the bathroom.

“Let me clean you up,” he says softly, his eyes almost pleading to take care of you as he turns on the shower and adjusts the temperature. You nod your head and he’s already stepping into the spray. His movement is slow and precise, careful, as he lowers you to your feet and turns both your bodies so he can wash the stickiness off your chest.

He’s slow and sure as he gently wipes his flesh hand over your torso until it’s cleaned before he moves onto washing your hair and body. He spends a maddening amount of time scrubbing your body with the shower puff, teasing you unintentionally as he works thoroughly. 

You let your eyes close and enjoy the way he lavishes you. Your body is responding to his hands as they caress over you, but you fight against the heat rising in your gut. Heat and slick is pooling between your legs as your body reminds you that you haven’t found your release yet.

Bucky seems to notice the way your body is keening into his hands because in the next breath, he’s shutting off the water and carrying you out of the bathroom and laying your body out, both still soaking wet, onto the bed. Your legs wrap around his waist and you lock your ankles behind his back so they won’t slide too much against his wet skin.

He grinds his pelvis against you, letting his already hard cock slide between your folds as they ache for more. This is what you were craving. This is what you had been missing. This, him, is what you needed.

The noise that erupted from your throat was primal when his swollen cock head brushed against your clit, causing your hips to buck forward as thrust gently again. You tilted your hips so that when he pushed up again, you were almost able to pull him in between your folds.

“Fuck,” Bucky groaned as he pulled back. He took a minute to appraise your body beneath him. With a grunt, he pulls you up by your hips and flips you onto your belly. “This isn’t how I imagined this night to be.” He pulled your hips up so your ass is presented in front of him so beautifully. “This isn’t how I imagined our first time together being, but, god damn, I can’t help myself.” He takes his hard erection in one hand and lines it up with your throbbing entrance. Slowly, he’s pushing into you and you both are moaning as he sinks deeper and deeper.

“Oh shit,” you grunt into the comforter, burrowing your face into its softness as he stretches you most deliciously. “Oh god!” 

His hips finally press against your ass and it’s nearly overwhelming how full you feel. You’d forgotten how complete you feel when he’s inside you. How on earth had you gone so long without him inside you?

“Fuuuuuck,” he cursed from behind you as he pulled back and pressed back in carefully. “I know I just came, but shit, I’m close already. You just, fuck, you make me crazy.” 

His pace picks up just slightly as he slides out, then in, then out, then back in. It’s after a couple careful minutes that he starts to really pick up any rhythm. Your moaning into the blanket when you feel his hand under your arm and pulling you up. He pulls your back against his chest and fondles your breasts in both hands as you throw your head back, releasing a loud moan, resting it back against his shoulder.

Drops of water fall from your drenched locks as they stick to Bucky’s chest and you can feel how they trail between your bodies until they pool where your bodies are joined. Neither of you have it in you to care. His metal hand falls to your hips and grips you tight enough that you’ll wear bruises in the shape of his fingers. His flesh hand is on your elbow and slides down to your wrist. His fingers wrap around your hand and guide it between your legs.

“Touch yourself. Please, I need you to get there. I can’t hold back much longer,” Bucky grunts as he covers your hand with his as he presses your fingers to your clit.

“I’m close,” you moan and start to circle your middle and ring finger over the hardened nub. Satisfied, his other hand now finds your other hip and he gently presses your body forward just enough that he can thrust up into you harder, faster.

Your other hand flies forward to catch your weight when you start to fall, no longer able to keep yourself up without Bucky’s help.

“Oh, James,” you moan breathily as your voice gets higher and louder as you fast approach your orgasm.

“Unhhh, say it again,” he groans behind you as his hips start to slam faster against you.

“James, James, oh god, James, I’m gonna…”

And your orgasm rushes through you harder than you’ve ever experienced before. You are nearly screaming as you let yourself fall face first into the bunched up blanket. Bucky is pounding into three, four more hard thrusts before his hips stutter and still as his release finds him again and he spills deep inside you.

His warmth is surrounding you as you fight your way back to reality; the white, blinding bliss is finally starting to subside. Bucky has collapsed against your back and with a groan, he pulls you both to fall onto your sides with his flesh arm under your head. He lets his softening cock fall from your folds and sighs deep; satisfied.

“Mmmm,” you moan as you let yourself snuggled back into his warmth, pulling his metal arm around your waist before placing your arm on top of his and weaving your fingers between his.

“Ungh, see what you do to me?” Bucky growled into your ear before placing a kiss just behind it. You can’t help the hazy post-orgasmic smile that has plastered itself on your face. “You make me blow like some prepubescent, horny kid that’s just discovered the joys of sex. I can’t control myself with you.”

“Well, thank God for that,” you chuckled as you wiggle further back into his chest and burrow your head back under his chin. With another wiggle of your hips, you can feel his cock hardening beneath your ass and you can’t fight the easy laugh from bubbling up past your lips.

“I can’t help it!” Bucky defends himself as he tries to tilts his hips back away from you, but you follow his movements. “It’s that damn serum kicking up my metabolism. Makes recovery time seconds. Masterbating is almost not worth the brief relief before I need to go again.”

You can’t stop laughing happily as you fight to turn over in Bucky’s arms so you can face him. Your chest presses against his and hit your leg up over his hip. One arm is trapped beneath you, but your other wraps around his waist as his pulls you closer and rests against your back, not letting you go.

“I’m gonna need maybe 15 minutes and we can go again, I promise. I just need a quick nap to get my head on straight again,” you mumble as you nuzzle into his neck and kiss his throat. His chuckle vibrates through his chest and you relish in the feeling of warmth and contentment in this moment. 

This is what you had been waiting for all along. Everything you suffered through, everything you worked tirelessly for, every night you cried yourself to sleep, it was all worth it. Because it was leading up to this. Every moment you thought about giving up and letting go felt inconsequential because you’d found your happy ending; with Bucky. 

And you weren’t going to let go, no matter what came your way.

After all, you were shameless.


End file.
